It's been a while since I blogged and the truth is there are all sorts of reasons for that. This fall has been interesting and like no other season I have experienced, it has been marked with uncertainty.
Uncertainty about where I'll work and where we'll live and what the future looks like. It's hard to put into words, but it's just overall felt like a shaky time.
I don't do so well with uncertainty. Uncertainty stirs up all kinds of fears and insecurities in me. I crave certainty. I like black and white. I like knowing what to expect. I love setting goals and five year plans. I'm that person. Uncertainty and I are kinda like oil and water.
Uncertainty brings out the worst in me. Ouch. It causes me to face my fears and the unhealthy parts of being an Enneagram One.
As a side note, I realized that during times of uncertainty, I am prone to wear the comfiest clothes imaginable. Every night for about a month, I put on my husbands super baggy sweatshirt. I also drank lots of tea. Not exactly my best look, but whatever.
Notice the sweatshirt in this photo :)
Perhaps God in his humour knew it was time for me to face this giant. Embracing uncertainty is all about me learning to trust. Its about me being okay with the unknown and recognizing that there is much to be learned in this place. It's about making peace with mystery. It's one thing to talk about unclenching my fists, opening my palms and embracing surrender and another thing entirely to do it. The funny thing is, it's not a one time decision. It's daily. Sometimes hourly. Sometimes moment to moment.
I'm learning that it requires tons of courage and a willingness to be transformed.
I loved and resonate with this meditation from Richard Rohr:
Don’t Push the River
All of us are much larger than the good or bad stories we tell about ourselves. Don’t get caught in “my” story, my hurts, my agenda. It’s too small. It’s not the whole you, not the Great You. It’s not the great river. It’s not where life is really going to happen. No wonder the Spirit is described as “flowing water” and as “a spring inside you” (John 4:10-14) or, as it states at the end of the Bible, as a “river of life” (Revelation 22:1-2). Your life is not really about “you.” It is part of a much larger stream called God. The separate self is finally an illusion for those who stay on the journey of prayer.
I believe that faith might be precisely that ability to trust the river, to trust the flow and the Lover. It is a process that we don’t have to create, coerce, or improve. We simply need to allow it to flow. That takes immense confidence in God, especially when we’re hurting. Usually, I can feel myself get panicky. I want to make things right, and right now! I lose my ability to be present, and I go up into my head and start obsessing. I try to push or even create the river—the river that is already flowing through me.
Faith does not need to push the river precisely because it is able to trust that there is a river. The river is flowing; we are in it. The river is God’s providential love—so do not be afraid. We have been given the Spirit (Luke 11:13). Without this awareness of the always flowing river, without a sense that we are supported, we will all succumb to fear and control mechanisms. Why wouldn’t we? To stay in God’s holding means that I have to stop taking full hold of myself, at least to some degree. I have to be able to hold a certain degree of uncertainty, ambiguity, and tension. Paradoxically, this leads to a much more calm and content way of “being in control”! Now all the frenzy and fear is gone.
These days I'm doing some tough inner work. Soul work. It's hard, scary and exhausting and yet I know that I am on holy ground. Shaky, yet holy.
A few weeks ago, over a latte at Starbucks a friend described to me the ancient practice of centering prayer. It was at the most perfect time imaginable. I can hardly put into words how significant this experience has been for me. It's funny, because if I had been told about centering prayer a year ago or even a month ago, I likely would have brushed it off. In this season of uncertainty, I have drank it up. It's been a pure gift. Gradually, I am finding my center in Christ.
This has been an anthem, a theme song. Letting go of safety. Leaving the shore:
On a lighter note,
Beth was the bravest girl on Halloween. Doesn't she make the cutest Merida?
I discovered a squash soup recipe that I love. Goats cheese crumbled on top. To die for.
I spent a day in October at a local Monastery and participated in a silent retreat.
This tree outside my front window kept me in awe throughout the month of October.
I have a thing for rainbows. This fall we were at a friend's house and saw this breathtaking full rainbow.
I read this on instagram by Bob Goff recently. So timely for me.
I'm realizing that there is life to be lived in the uncertain times. Meaning to be found. Joy to be discovered. Learning to be done. I'm on the lookout for such gifts :)
