Christmas 2013 in photos.

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Message from Beth on our blackboard :)

Tastes like Christmas.

Making the Gingerbread House - without the Thompson's :(

Watch out T-Swift.

Nontraditional Christmas - we made spaghetti and meatballs on Christmas Day!

Rolling of the meatballs.  Serious Stuff.

Spoiled.

Surprise call from our friend Elvis in Jamaica!

Jammies.

The mantel at my parents house - COVERED in chocolate.

Crazy about him.

My brother making the Irish Coffee.

Delish.

Finished product.

Beth is so happy she received a pair of sparkly TOMS.

Safety.

 I'm a fan of counselling.  Steve and I are somewhat open about the fact that we have been to counselling from time to time over the years. Although she is not my counsellor, one of my dear friends is a family therapist.  We're believers in dealing with our "stuff" and getting as healthy as we can.  We believe that emotional and spiritual health is just as important as physical health.

A year ago, we found ourselves in our counsellor's office.  Interestingly enough it was the day before my 40th birthday.  We needed to get back on the same page and were finding ourselves to be slightly off kilter when it came to parenting and spending habits and we were in a bit of a rut when it came to resolving conflict.  All of those things were talked about and sorted through.  It felt good.  Really good.  Just as we were about to go, our counsellor said something that I was unprepared for.  He told us that he sensed we lacked "safety" in our marriage and encouraged us to work toward building just that.  I asked some clarifying questions about what exactly "safety" was and how we could build more of it into our relationship.

As the next few weeks unfolded, I began to see that he was right and perhaps for the first time ever, recognized the lack of it.

As 2013 began, it's not surprising that I chose one of my words for the year to be "safety"

Around the same time, I started reading a book by Brene Brown called Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.  I began to see how I used shame in my marriage and although I didn't want to admit it, was in many ways was responsible for creating a culture of blame. I also realized that I needed to grow in vulnerability and that vulnerability means asking for what I need in my marriage and not expecting Steve to read my mind. Often my "yes was not yes and my no was not no" (Matthew 5:37). Yikes.

2013 has been a journey for us.  We've learned so much.

Practically speaking here's what we've learned it means to have safety in our marriage:

* Assuming the absolute best of each other.
   There is a message by Andy Stanley that I 100% recommend.  In it, he talks about when there is a gap between our expectations and reality, we have a choice to make.  We can, in that moment choose to assume the best and give our spouse the benefit of the doubt or expect the worst.  In his message, he believes that this is the secret formula to staying in love over a lifetime.  I really can't say enough about this message.  I've listened to it three times and every time, it hits me hard (in the best possible way).

* Put ourselves in each other's shoes as often as possible.

* Being slow to criticize and correct one another

* Choosing to trust.

* Letting our needs be known. Not allowing unmet needs build up.  Not repressing our feelings.  Remembering that we can not read each other's minds.

* Having fun together.  Laughing together.  This is huge.

* Thinking of us as a team, in terms of an "us".

* Speaking to and about one another in a positive and respectful way.

* Setting each other up to win and not to fail.

* Walking in the way of humility.  Being willing to admit our mistakes and ask for forgiveness. 

Sometimes it's also helpful to describe what safety is not because often it's hard to describe safety when so much of it is intangible.  So, we're learning that safety is not:

* Criticizing.

* Controlling.

* "Always" and "never" comments.

* Blame and shame.

* Assuming the worst of each other.

* Speaking poorly to each other and about each other in public.

* Being defensive.

* Setting each other up to fail.
   I'm not even sure how to write this and whether any of you can even relate, but here goes:  the very    moment I think of Steve in terms of being my enemy, I unconsciously treat him as such and as a result - set him up to fail.  It's a crazy pattern that I have become aware of.  A cycle that begins in my thought life.  I am committed to breaking it.  I'm committed to thinking differently because I want our best years to be ahead of us :)

I've also learned that it's when Steve is the hardest to love that he needs to receive love the most (I'm positive that he would say the same about me)....I've found the same to be true in parenting as well....maybe in all relationships, really.

Our counsellor told us that when there is safely in a marriage relationship, both people can dream
bigger and take risks.  How beautiful is that?  We're finding that to be true.

I've learned too that when there is safety in our relationship, there is a freedom to admit mistakes, weaknesses, fears and struggles.  There is opportunity to grow.  Defenses come down.  Real intimacy develops.

All of this has been quite a game changer in our marriage. 2013 has been a significant year for us.

These days, we are assuming the best of each other more and more.  We're feeling safe to be vulnerable, talking about our fears, confessing our mistakes and asking for the help that we need.  These days we're dreaming bigger and taking some pretty cool risks because that's what a safe environment provides.  It launches just that.  These days, we are fighting for our marriage.  As Brene Brown writes, "we are turning toward one another and not against one another" (page 101 - Daring Greatly).

Not to say that we don't struggle- we do - and we will - but we're learning that it will be okay.  We're bouncing back from struggles and conflict way quicker that before.

We're in a sweet place and it feels amazing.

What have I missed?

If you're married, what does "safety" mean to you and how do you go about building it into your marriage?


*Also, can I just say that parenting a teen and a soon-to-be-teen is a challenging season in a marriage.  There has never been a time where we have more needed to be a team and be unified.  Safety is the glue that is holding us together as we cling to God and to each other.*

Steeped Tea Giveaway.

Update:  mulletkoop is the winner!  Congratulations!  Email me with your contact info and your tea will be arriving soon in the mail!

My sister, Lauren has recently become a consultant for a company called Steeped Tea.  Lauren is an avid tea driker and was introduced to the company through a close friend.

It's a Canadian Company.  Just 7 years old.  You may have even seen them on Dragon's Den.  
Steeped Tea has cool recipes on their website and lots of neat ideas for Christmas gifts  - gifts that are reasonable, practical and ethical.

Because Lauren's favourite tea is Earl Grey de la Creme.  She's offering a giveaway of 50 g of Earl Grey de la Creme loose tea.  It's a value of $6.99 plus tax and shipping total (all of which is covered).

Here's Lauren's contact info info if you want to find out more.

To be entered in the giveaway, just leave me a comment with your name and favourite kind of tea.  I'll pick a winner at noon on Tuesday.

Have a great week.

The Enneagram.

A while back, my friend Laura introduced me to the Enneagram.

1 THE REFORMER The Rational, Idealistic Type: Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic           2 THE HELPER The Caring, Interpersonal Type: Demonstrative, Generous, People-Pleasing, and Possessive 3 THE ACHIEVER The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type: Adaptive, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious 4 THE INDIVIDUALIST The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental 5 THE INVESTIGATOR The Intense, Cerebral Type: Perceptive, Innovative, Secretive, and Isolated 6 THE LOYALIST The Committed, Security-Oriented Type: Engaging, Responsible, Anxious, and Suspicious 7 THE ENTHUSIAST The Busy, Fun-Loving Type: Spontaneous, Versatile, Distractible, and Scattered 8 THE CHALLENGER The Powerful, Dominating Type: Self-Confident, Decisive, Willful, and Confrontational 9 THE PEACEMAKER The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type: Receptive, Reassuring, Agreeable, and Complacent

(photos taken from enneagraminstitute.com)


I'm not at all exaggerating when I say, that as of late, I have been a bit obsessed with the Enneagram.  It's super fascinating and such a helpful tool.  It's helped me make sense of so much about myself.  Learning about the Enneagram has been extremely insightful and is empowering me to live in a healthier way.  Quite a game changer, if I do say so.  I'm still reading and learning lots about it.  So much still to learn and absorb.

Don Riso has defined the Enneagram as "a geometric figure that delineates the nine basic personality types of human nature and their complex interrelationships." While the Enneagram suggests that there are nine basic personality types of human nature, there are, of course, many subtypes and variations within the nine fundamental categories. Nevertheless, the assertion of Enneagram theory is that these nine adequately map out the territory of "personality types."

The Enneagram is also a symbol that maps out the ways in which the nine types are related to each other. This is the aspect of the Enneagram most people are familiar with because it offers them a framework for understanding themselves and everyone they deal with. As a psychospiritual typology, the Enneagram helps people to recognize and understand an overall pattern in human behavior. External behaviors, underlying attitudes, one''s characteristic sense of self, conscious and unconscious motivations, emotional reactions, defense mechanisms, object relations, what we pay attention to, our spiritual potentials and much more—are all parts of a complex pattern that forms each personality type. Therapists, business counselors, human resource directors, and spiritual seekers from around the world are all finding the Enneagram to be immensely useful for self-understanding and personal growth. Always remember however, that the Enneagram does not put you in a box it shows you the box you are in and the way out!        
(this excerpt was taken from enneagraminstitute.com)

"A tiny bit of background: the Enneagram is an ancient Catholic way of classiflying personality types, and the word means “nine types.”  It’s been used in monasteries for centuries, and lots of the best writing & training about it comes from the Catholic tradition.

There are quizzes, but frankly, I really recommend people don’t use them. I think the best thing to do is to read through each type description and find the one that resonates most deeply with you. That’s a quick, easy process for some people and some types, and a longer, more difficult process for others.  And I totally recommend talking through it with people who know you well. "   - quoted from this blog.

I love this kind of thing; Myers-Briggs, SDI and so on.  I am fascinated by self-awareness tools.

THIS blog post and THIS one do an AMAZING job of explaining and summarizing the Enneagram and describing each of the 9 types.

Prepare to be all consumed :)

I am a One.  What number are you?

p.s.  This is the book I'm currently reading :

 

p.s.s.  Some helpful links:

www.enneagraminstitute.com
www.9types.com

Cashew Chicken - an all-time favourite.

It's been a while since I posted a recipe.  Our menu planning in the summer is super easy - it's pretty much throw some meat on the bbq and cook some veggies or put together a salad.  Come fall, I start to put a little more effort into our meal planning and I put together a bit of a rotation of our favourite meals.  Cashew Chicken is one of those.  It's one of those rare meals in our house that everyone loves and no one complains about.  The girls go crazy when I make it.  I found the recipe years ago on a site called www.relishrelish.com.

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  Here's the recipe - I always double it so that we have leftovers for lunch the following day:)
  Cashew Chicken
  Prep and cook time: 30 minutes
  - 4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts 
  - coarse salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste 
  - 3 tablespoons canola oil 
  - 1 red bell pepper , seeded and chopped 
  - 2 teaspoons garlic, minced 
  - 2 teaspoons ginger, minced 
  - 1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes 
  - 3/4 cup chicken broth 
  - 1 1/2 tablespoons soy sauce 
  - 1 1/2 teaspoons cornstarch 
  - 1 teaspoon sugar 
  - 1/2 cup salted, roasted, whole cashews 
  - 4 green onions , white and light green parts, chopped
  [1] Cut chicken into 1-inch cubes and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Heat a wok or a large heavy skillet over medium-high heat. Add oil, swirling to coat, then sauté the chicken until golden in places and just cooked through, 4 to 5 minutes.
  [2] Transfer the chicken to a plate with a slotted spoon. Add bell pepper, garlic, ginger and red pepper flakes to the skillet and stir-fry until peppers are just tender, 5 to 6 minutes.
  [3] In a small bowl, stir together broth, soy sauce, cornstarch, and sugar, then stir into skillet.
  [4] Reduce heat and simmer, stirring occasionally, until thickened, 1 to 2 minutes. Stir in cashews, green onions, and chicken along with any juices accumulated on plate. Serve immediately over rice.
  
  Sesame-Lime Rice
  Prep and cook time: 30 minutes
  - 1 cup jasmine rice 
  - coarse salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste - 2 tablespoons sesame seeds, toasted 
  - 1 tablespoon toasted sesame oil 
  - 1 tablespoon lime juice
  [1] Cook rice according to package instructions.
  [2] Toss rice with sesame seeds, oil, a little lime zest and juice. Season with salt and pepper and fluff with a fork.
  
  Enjoy!
  
  What is one of your favourite Fall recipes?

On tea-drinking, ocean-gazing and creating margin.

This time last week, I was returning home from a week spent in Northern Ireland.  It was an amazing week and one that I will be reflecting on and processing for quite some time.  At this point, there is so much that I can hardly put into words.

 It is no secret that I like to be in control.  Truth be told, I am a recovering perfectionist and a week away on my own without my husband or kids was so good for me in many ways.  For one, I felt like I was 22 yrs. old and free of responsibilities - which felt weird and fantastic all at the same time.  And secondly, a week like last freed me just a little bit more from the need to be in control and from the need to try to fix and rescue all things related to my little family.  I was thousands of miles away from my family, across a ocean and in a different time zone.  It was really healthy for me to take off the "Mom hat" and be reminded that my girls are capable and increasingly independent.  It felt great to empower them in that way.

I ventured out on this trip to surprise my Aunt and spend time with my family.  What I didn't expect was the chance to reflect and learn so much about myself. A gift indeed.

This wasn't the first time I had been to Northern Ireland.   My Dad is from Belfast and almost all of his family live on the Emerald Isle to this very day.  This was my 6th trip.  However, in many ways, I was able to see things differently at 40 than perhaps I did at 18 and 26.

There was much I learned and observed.  One thing that I had never noticed before was the lack of frantic-ness (yes, I just made that word up).  Their pace of life was so much less hurried than I am used to.  It was refreshing and strange at the same time.  It took me a while to unwind and get used to it.  I'm not sure that I can realistically bring it home and implement it into my life here in Canada.  I observed it and I appreciated it for sure - the unhurried conversations, the endless cups of tea, the absence of people checking their cell phones for a text message .  There was definitely a sense in which face-to-face relationships were the greatest value.  No one seemed to be in a hurry.  In so many ways, time stood still.

Days after landing on Canadian soil, I found myself in two separate conversations about margin.  About the need to go against the grain in our culture  - to resist the temptation to live a frantic, packed and hurried life.  About having more white space on the calendar.  About how to make more space for relationships and hospitality.  More time for people.  More space in our schedules for the spontaneous.  It was a conversation that I have been reflecting on and wrestling with, to be sure.

As I think about those conversations together with my time in Ireland - I'm inspired to be more intentional about slowing down and resisting the urge to be frantic and hurried.  I'm challenged to leave more white space on my calendar.  These days, I'm trying to breathe more deeply, resist hurry and value what matters most.

First Day of School.

Like every other Mom on facebook, this morning I proudly posted photos of my girls heading off to their first day of school.  This year feels more monumental than most because all three girls are going to new schools and my oldest is going to high school (yikes!).  It's been the strangest week leading up to today.  Preparing your kids for change is tricky and exhausting and has required a lot more patience and understanding that I had anticipated.  But, hooray - we made it!  The best part is that they all had a great day!  Phew.  Now I can relax.  Seriously - what is with the fact that I had butterflies in my stomach all day long!  Being a parent is intense.

As the school bus was pulling up to pick up Eva and Beth, I had the sweetest moment.  Out of all three, Beth was embracing the change of a new school and the back to school transition with the least amount of struggle.  However, as the bus pulled up, she had a moment where she looked back and ran to me with the tightest squeeze of a hug.  With that, she turned, hopped on the bus and left me standing there with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.  

It took me right back to the first time I dropped her off at pre-school when she was two and a half.  As the youngest, Beth has always been super independent, very social and rarely apprehensive.  On that winter morning that I dropped her off at her pre-school, she took off her coat and backpack, hung them up, put her indoor shoes on and marched over to circle time.  Just steps away from the circle, she looked back to see if I was still there and with total abandon she ran to me with the biggest and tightest hug and then straight back to circle.   She melted my heart then and she melted my heart today.

Grade One.

Grade Nine.

Grade Seven and One.

Today I am so thankful for teachers.  I am at a loss for words.  They are seriously my heroes.  

On the lookout for beauty.

Earlier this year, I realized just how much I struggle with jealousy and comparison.  I know it's one of those things that we rarely talk about.  It's hard to admit.  It's messy and it feels yucky. At the same time, it consumes a lot of our energy and our thoughts - and it feels healthy and freeing to talk about it - to bring it into the light.  I have absolutely no data to back this up and no research to prove it, but I am a girl and I'm raising girls and I talk to lots of girls and I think it's something we all struggle with.  I'm pretty confident that I'm not alone in this.

Just before summer, I decided that in hopes of conquering such ways of thinking, relating and behaving - something in me needed to change.

The words that immediately came to mind were this - be on the lookout for beauty and celebrate it.

Without telling anyone, those nine words have been an underlying theme to my summer.

And without exaggerating, it's felt like a game-changer.

I'm finding that when I am constantly on the lookout for beauty, I find it.  It's funny how that works.  I find it in creation and in circumstances and most especially in people.  When I'm tempted to be jealous or to compare myself to someone, I'm starting (slowly) to make the conscious choice to celebrate them.  To celebrate their accomplishments or their relationships or their home or their children or their wardrobe or their appearance and so on.  And guess what - it feels so much better than the alternative.

I love what the Message has to say in Philippians 4:8.

Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. 

Years ago, I heard it said at a conference, that when you admire and celebrate a quality in another person, it becomes a part of you.  Such a beautiful image.  I loved it then and I love it now.  That very notion is freeing me up, little by little, to become more generous with celebrating and complimenting others.

These days, I want to be more of a cheerleader to the people around me.

Also, did you know that to receive a compliment with a genuine thank you is one of the most humble things we can do?  It's also a way of blessing the person who had the courage to speak the compliment.

There you have it, friends - want to join me and be on the lookout for beauty and celebrate it?

Note to self about family vacations.

Dear Carrie,

By the time you are preparing and packing for your next family vacation, you will have forgotten all of these lessons and so here's what you need to remember (based on previous experience of course).

The week before a vacation is just as important as the vacation itself.

The more relaxed and unwound that you can go in to a holiday, the better.  If not, it will take you days to unwind and relax from all of the stress that the 48 hours leading up to a vacation caused you.  Remember to simplify your schedule the week before a vacation.  That's right - the 7 days leading up to.  The more white space on your calender the better.  Writing lists and doing laundry and packing always takes longer than you think it will.  Always.  Give yourself space and your family will thank you.  Be extra gracious with Steve and with yourself for that matter because it's totally normal to have friction and such leading up to a holiday.

The reality is that it takes work to set aside a chunk of time to create quality time with family and build memories.  Work, I tell you.  The week before your last camping trip was packed full with way too much.  Your underestimated the time you would need both mentally and physically to get ready for a vacation.  You were so frantic that you didn't have time to anticipate the holiday in front of you.  And here's a secret -the anticipation of a holiday is a gift.  It's almost as good and as important as the holiday itself.  The anticipation of a holiday can be so life giving.  Unfortunately you left packing to the last minute.  You were stressed and your kids paid the price.  There's nothing worse than having to apologize to your kiddies for being angry/frantic/stressed Mom and then realising it's going to take you 24 hours into the vacation to unwind and relax.  Yuck.  Remember that you set the tone for your family and your kids will pick up on your vibes.

Remember too that one of your daughters who I will not name gets a little, shall we say, intense, when a vacation or a trip is coming up.  Give her the space she needs to prepare and give her the best version of yourself.

So, next time learn from the past, kay?  It's one of your best teachers.  Maybe, just maybe, this is an example of what it means in Psalm 34 when you read about pursuing peace.  Peace is not always something that comes effortlessly, although it can.  Sometimes peace is something we fight for, because the relationships in your life are worth fighting for.  Maybe peace really is something we are to pursue.  What if pursuing peace became a greater value in your life?  What if it became part of your story to a greater extent?

So breathe deep.  Anticipate.  Simplify your schedule.  Go into a holiday well rested.  Set a positive tone for your family.  Give yourself and your family LOTS of space.  And grace.

When you're getting ready for a vacation it always feels like work, but remember it's always worth it.  Just envision the relaxed pace, the time to sleep in, star gaze and savour sunsets.  Remember how being near the water enlarges and even heals your soul.  Dream about your feet on a hot sandy beach and jumping waves in icy cold crystal clear water.  Anticipate the rich conversations and the hilarious ones too.  Imagine the taste of ice cream on a sweltering hot day and the hickory smell of late-night campfires that go on forever.  Picture yourself biking along the shore of Lake Huron with many of your favourite people:  fresh air, wind in your face, sun beating down on your back, deep green-blue waves crashing on the rocky shore.  Remember how vacations have a way of solidifying your family, making you feel fully alive, binding you together and how vacations bring out the best in everyone, even you.  It's worth it.  It always is and it deserves the time needed to gear up and prepare.

With affection,
Self.

Moms set the tone.

Know what I'm learning this summer in a fresh way?

I'm learning afresh that Moms set the tone for the whole family.

Summer for me is fantastic and intense at the same time.  It reminds me, in a way, of the pre-school years when I was with my girls 24/7.  It's easy, in seasons like this, to care for everyone else and forget about caring for myself and my needs.

I'm reminded that if I'm healthy (spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally), everything runs smoother and the family as a whole is healthier.  As soon as my self care declines and I am a mess, my whole family falls apart, or so it seems.

Practically it means that I need to make sure my "cup is full" - which of course looks and feels different for all of us.  For me it means carving out time.  Time for prayer.  Time for exercise.  Time with friends.  Time to read.  Time for rest and solitude.  When my cup is full, I am more centered, balanced, positive, encouraging, able to respond (rather than react) and assume the best of others in an overall kind of way.  I'm learning that this kind of self care goes a long, long way.   When I care for myself, I do my family a huge favour.  This is never more true than when it's summer holidays.

My learning this past month (and particularly this past week) is that I have a far more influential role in my family than I often realize.

Any other Moms find this to be true?  How do you keep your cup full while you are constantly giving to your kids?

Halfway through summer....

The August long weekend marks the halfway point.  It seems that just when we've gotten into a good groove of summer - just when we've figured out that balance between having enough structure and enough margin to relax and be lazy - it's halfway over!  All the more incentive to savour the month of August, right?

So far here's what we've been LOVING this summer:

Sibling Time.

Cousin time.

Grace has been perfecting her french braids on her sisters.

Beth is loving the fact that she can ride a two-wheeler (since May).

My Mom put together a spontaneous "high tea" to celebrate the arrival of the Royal Baby, George.  Lol

Staying Cool.

This CD.



• our neighbourhood pool.
• frozen yogurt ( better known as froyo to my girls).
• I'm trying to build into my girls a fresh love for reading this summer.  I'm calling it the "summer of reading."  Currently we're listening to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on CD.
• I joined a Pilate's class that is within walking distance to my house.  
• For her 6th birthday, Beth got her ears pierced and she is delighted.
• These brownies (thank you Leah for the recipe!).
• We love living in the fruit belt and are buying local fruit and vegetables whenever possible.  Today we picked a bag of 65 peaches and it cost us $5.00.  Amazing.
  
• I'm loving Shaklee energy tea this summer.  Gives me a much needed boost of natural energy mid-afternoon.
• Also, the Daily Docket  has been super helpful.  It's helped me to feel productive and focused, when it's easy in the summer months to feel anything but.

I'm looking forward to the Leadership Summit next week.  Total highlight of my summer.  Can you believe Brene Brown is speaking? :)

Happy August friends!  Soak it up:)