First day of summer vacation.

As I write this, I am washing the girls backpacks and school lunch bags (no lunches to make for two months!) and putting them away all clean for September. BEST FEELING EVER.

Because Grace will be away over her birthday in July, we celebrated it last night.

Then early this morning, Grace headed up to camp for the summer and getting her out the door meant a week of packing and preparing that was no small task. I am so thrilled for her and for the opportunity that she has to be a Leader In Training this summer. Watching her has taken me back in time to my summers at Ryerson camp on the sandy shores of Lake Erie. Although it was only two months away from home each summer, those days and weeks felt like an eternity. The independence felt exhilarating and freeing. Those summers were such a safe place for me to flex muscles of independence and leadership. It was a coming of age season for me. A place where my faith became rooted and developed wings all at the same time. As the Celtics say, it was a thin place for me - a place where heaven and earth met. Those summers formed me and who I became and am becoming in ways that are hard to put into words. As I have been reflecting on all of that, it feels amazing to launch Grace and let her fly. She is so ready.

I also know more than ever that these years go by all too quickly. This is the first summer that Eva is working and much of the time it will be Beth and I hanging out as buddies, reminiscent of her preschool days while the older girls were at school. With Grace being away all summer and Eva working, I know instinctively and for a fact that these summers will fly by for Beth. In just six summers, she'll be working and the carefree days of summer will be behind her. The days of summer are in many ways the days that made up my childhood memories and what will create the memory pool for my girls to reminisce back on. I'd be lying if I said that these days don't matter. They have massive significance. 

Beth and I have created our yearly summer bucket list which includes activities like biking along the parkway, watching sunsets, writing letters, catching fireflies, picnics, riding the carousel and going to the drive-in. 

This time last year we had sold our house, we were living in a rental and we were building our current house. We were living in utter chaos, feeling unsettled and our lives pretty much revolved around building our house. We hardly saw Steve at all - he spent every spare minute at the house. We would meet him there after he had finished work and bring him his dinner and then he would stay and work there until bedtime. It was super hard on the girls. 

This summer feels VERY different for us. Sure, there are new and different challenges that didn't exist last summer but that's the way life is. 

We are feeling thrilled to BE in the house we spent time planning and building. It feels amazing to have a summer that is loosely structured and slow paced. This summer feels drastically different from last one and It's a gift.

The thing is, I'm a bit out of sorts today - I'm hardly knowing what to do with myself. So many feelings. June has been a tough and tiring month on many levels. Big transitions happening this very day. I'm not going to analyze it too much. I'm easing into summer is all. I guess I'm taking the time I need to unwind and catch my breath.

Every bone in my body and fibre in my being is looking forward to the unhurried days of this summer and the space for creativity, simplicity and reflection. 

Sure I'm still working here and there and have to-do lists and such, but as a whole I'm trading in my shoes for my birks and flip flops. The hair dryer is being tucked away. Summer means pony tails and messy hair. It means starting and ending my day on the front porch. Summer means ice cream and fresh local fruit, no alarm clocks and room for spontaneity. Let's do this! Bring on summer;)

Every season is a gift and every summer begs to be embraced. What will you do with your one wild and precious life this summer?

A letter to the younger verse of myself.

In many ways, June reminds me of the month of December. I always underestimate how busy December is going to be and I often pack way more into it than I should. My friend Alison recently said that her goal for the month of June is to "add nothing new to her calendar". She inspired me and I have recently adopted her goal as my own! It's easier said than done, but margin is of utmost value to me this month and I am trying to slow down and not join the crazy train.

June is the month of year end school trips and pool parties and final report cards and .....graduation -from grade 8, high school or post secondary.

Everyone told me that high school would go by so quickly. A blink and then it's over. Funny, when I think back to being in high school, it didn't feel so much like a blink. 

Next June, Grace graduates from high school and just the thought of it makes me emotional and weepy and reflective. How did the time go by so quickly? Wasn't her grade 8 graduation just last week? How can it be that the little girl who wouldn't leave my side as a toddler is now driving a car? Have I taught her all of the life lessons that she needs to know? 

This same daughter just got her licence this month. Whoa.

If I could go back in time to my high school graduation, there are a few things I would want to tell my younger self. Things like this:

Education is never ever a waste of time and yet you might want to think about what that Arts degree in History will actually do for you. 

Friendships are so important. Take your time and find your people. Choose friends who are safe and trustworthy (life lesson: if they talk about others, they'll talk about you). Find friends who sharpen you and cheer you on. Friends you can be yourself with.

Develop good self care habits. It's an important part of loving yourself well. I know that right now you think self care is selfish but it's not. Get enough sleep, develop a good skin care regime and invest in quality skin care products, wear sunscreen, drink lots of water and wear clothes and colours that you love and feel beautiful in. Your 43 year old self will one day thank you.

You'll make mistakes and that's okay. It just means that you're human. Every day is a fresh start. Don't be too hard on yourself. We grow from failure and it's okay to make mistakes. Don't spend your life trying to avoid making them - you'll miss out on so much. Learn from mistakes and move on. 

Wear a bikini while you're young. You look fantastic. Ignore and silence that inner critical voice inside of you which would tell you otherwise. 

Travel whenever possible. Be teachable. Live with a posture of curiosity. I hate to break it to you, but you don't know everything - not even close. There is so much you don't know yet. Learn from different cultures and be curious about life and about the world. The world is so much bigger and more diverse and amazing than you could ever imagine. Read as much as you can get your hands on.

Let love and not fear be the foundation and the driving force of your life. Fear is a liar anyways.

Avoid the word "should".

You're responsible for you and not for the whole world. Just relax because God is God and you're not. 

Resist molds. You don't need to be copying anyone. The sooner you realize that the world needs you the better. Find your path and be true to you.  

Don't panic, but your beliefs and opinions and even your theology will change and morph and evolve over time and that's a really good thing. It means that you're alive and that you're growing up.

Honour your gut - if you're in a situation or a conversation that feels uncomfortable, get out right away. Your intuition is a gift straight from heaven. Honour it and develop it. Never downplay it.

Don't apologize for your sensitivity. It's what makes you special. The world needs your sensitivity.

Don't play small. Shine bright.

Learn to ask for help (and receive it - so hard, right?) and admit when you are struggling and when you fail. All of it is a sign of strength and not weakness. Don't be a slave to image. Everyone else looks like they have it all together but guess what, they totally don't! You don't know this yet but vulnerability is strength. 

Don't throw out those leg warmers, all those 80's records and denims overalls - they will come back in style one day and you'll be kicking yourself for not having them.

Stay away from people that are extreme in their theology and view of women. Fortunately you never married any of them. Extremism is never a good thing.

When that cute, lanky, tall, dark-haired boy with the baseball cap offers you a ride home from camp training, don't act like such a know it all and give him the cold shoulder. You don't know this yet, but the two of you are going to build the most meaningful life together. His journey and your journey will mesh in some pretty crazy divine ways in the years to come. He will teach you so much and bring out the very best in you. Some of your friends will be so shocked when you become a couple. Little do they know that God was working in his life long before he met you.

Read the bible and go to church and of course youth group, but mostly just learn to let God love you and rest in that love without striving - you don't have to earn His love or prove yourself - just rest in it. Rest deeply. Grow those roots deep, you're going to need them in the future when life feels shaky.

Embrace diversity. Spend time with people who are different from you and believe different things than you do. It will deepen your convictions and teach you empathy and it will enlarge your worldview and perspective. Get out of that bubble and try not to see people that are different from you as a threat. They're a gift.

Embrace your femininity. Don't apologize because you are a girl and because you love fashion and lipstick and heels and such. At the same time, develop your voice. The world needs it.

Say no to lots so that you can say yes to what matters the most to you.

Also - stop being so serious and responsible - have fun!

Recources:

Have any of you heard the song that Tim McGraw wrote for his daughter as she went off to college? Oh my. Have your Kleenex ready. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=clcNB_EUao8

And on that topic, If you're looking for a gift for a graduate in your life, I so appreciated and loved this post by Sarah http://sarahbessey.com/books-for-graduates/

Here's what we know to be true after nineteen years...

On Tuesday, Steve and I celebrated 19 years of marriage. Whoa!

Could my hair be any bigger in this photo (please don't answer that question!)?

As I think about marriage and all of the grit that it requires combined with the demands of life and not to mention the complexity of our humanity, there are a couple of keys that have stood out to Steve and I over the years. By no means is this an exhaustive list. It's just simply what's true for Steve. After many ups and downs and lessons learned the hard way and so on, here's what we know to be true:

1. Every day is fresh. Every day you can begin again. Mercies are fresh every morning. Marriages are build day-by-day. When things are hard, take it one step and one day at a time. When we mess up or find ourselves in an abyss, Steve and I use the language, "let's begin again" or "can we begin again?" The answer is always yes.

2. Passion is important but guess what? - so is grit. Grit means hanging in there. Grit means embracing hard work and having tough, honest, uncomfortable conversations and entering into the messy. So much growth and transformation can take place in a marriage and it requires grit. Our experience has been that the more we work through challenges and disappointments and forgiveness and obstacles, the closer we become. This kind has brought Steve and I to a place of intimacy that we knew nothing about 19 years ago.

3. Surround yourself with people who are deeply invested in their marriages and who are cheering you on in your marriage. You need safe and trustworthy individual friends and couple friends. We become like the people we hang out with so hang out with people that you want to emulate. We are the sum of the people we surround ourselves so choose well. The quote that reads "Show me your friends and I'll show you your future" is true in life and equally true in marriage. 

4. When there are gaps, give generous assumptions. Build a default of assuming the best of each other. This is a memory muscle that I had to develop (and if I'm honest, I'm still developing). It's a game changer. Swim in grace. 

5. Be each other's biggest cheerleader. Be in your spouses corner. Make sure your spouse overhears you bragging about them.

6. Flirt with your spouse. Often. It fans the flames and helps you feel connected and young. Laugh often. Have inside jokes. Send lots of texts and bitmojis. I love having special language that just the two of us use - for example I love it when Steve calls me "baby".

7. Don't back your spouse into a corner. Avoid accusations. Set each other up to win and not fail. Enter into conversations with holy curiosity. Help me understand your point of view? If a conversation becomes contemptuous, take a break and walk away immediately. Words have power and last longer than you think and you want to avoid regret when it comes to words. It's always more important to be kind than it is to be right. Choose the relationship and the person over winning an argument. Apologize often. Own your stuff.

8. Create a sense of "home" together. Rootedness, belonging, safety, unconditional love and  forgiveness. HOME. Build a foundation of love and leave a legacy for those in your wake.

9. Sex is amazing and magical AND it gets better over time. Who knew? I had no idea...

To sum it all up: Write your love story together, make memories, be a team and create rhythms that are just yours. 

What have I missed?

Here's to the next 19 years!