Shine.

Have you ever noticed that as women, we sometimes feel the need to play small?

What's with that?

At times, it shouts out in the way that we speak, the dreams and hopes we repress, it can even come across in how we dress.  It's almost as if we fear drawing attention to ourselves and thus we play small?

Maybe it's just me but why is it that I downplay my achievements and the second someone compliments me about anything, I brush it off.  "Oh it's no big deal" or I conveniently change the topic.  Even when someone compliments me on something as simple as my hair my response can be, " really?  I haven't washed it for days" or "it only took me like two minutes to do this" or on an article of clothing, "oh, this old thing? - I bought it on sale for like $6.99."  Why is it so hard for us to say thank you.  What is it I that you and I are afraid of?

Maybe men feel this too, but from what I hear women struggle with it in a much deeper way.

For most of my life I think I have played small.  Some of my role models did too.  Growing up, it was the subtle cultural message I internalized.  The underlying cultural message I received was that it was not only expected of me but also esteemed.

Are we afraid that we are being proud if we receive a compliment?  Or arrogant if we shine a little?

Why does it seem like our default is so often toward insecurity and to compete with other women rather than to connect with them?  What would it look like, if we, as women stopped being so hard on ourselves and one another?  

Maybe you are reading this and have no idea what I am talking about.  If so, that's fantastic and you can stop reading.

But for the rest of us.....

Let's have this conversation...

In case it hasn't been obvious let me just declare that this is an area of holy discontent for me.  Bill
Hybels, lead pastor of Willow Creek Community Church and founder of the Global Leadership Summit speaks from time to time about this concept of holy discontent.  Basically you will know your area of HD because it is something that gets you really fired up and angry.  You may even see it in yourself and hate it.  You feel a sense of injustice about it. You begin recognizing that it doesn't have to be this way and you in turn channel your frustrated energy into doing something about it.  You become the change.

It's taken me a while to put my finger on it, but over the past 12 months it has become clear to me that this idea of women playing small is indeed my area of holy discontent.

This idea of over apologizing, fear of saying no, worrying about what others think of me, neglecting
self care, putting others first to a fault, repressing dreams, feelings and desires is all part of what it means to play small.  Playing small is rooted in fear.

This is a passionate topic for me because, I am a female and I am raising 3 females and I love and spend a lot of time with females and so on...

If we are really going to change the world and use our one and only lives to make a difference, maybe,
just maybe it's time we stopped playing small.  Let's cheer each other on to do great things for the Kingdom of God (simply put- bringing heaven to earth) and invest our energy into that - rather than into jealousy and competition and trying to appear humble.  Maybe if we realized what is at stake we would say enough. You and I have a role to play in the greater story God is writing.  Our voices, our strengths, our passions and abilities are needed.  This is not the time to play small.  Our lives matter.  Our voices matter.

I love this quote by Marianne Williamson:

 "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Who's in?  I don't know about you, but I've had enough with playing small.  I've done it for way too long.  The stakes are high.  Really high.  There's too much good waiting to be done and young girls with their eyes on us.  It's time to shine.

 P.S. As I was in the midst of writing this blog post, I read a timely tweet on twitter by @lynnehybels: "Women are the greatest untapped resource in the world. We need to cheer each other on. We need to show up with the fullness of who we are." Yes!

Then, just as I was about to publish this post, I read this.  So affirming to the journey that I am already on.  I just had to share it:)

Moms are brave.

This past weekend I spent some time with my niece and nephew so that my sister and brother-in-law could have some much needed time alone.  It was so great and those little ones are beyond adorable (and hilarious too).  We had all hands on deck, which was fantastic.  A five to two ratio sure helps!

I couldn't help but realize that although our youngest us six, for the most part we are in a very different stage of parenting these days.  I had forgotten what it feels like to eat your dinner after everyone else had eaten and to have your shoulder covered in a mixture of slobber and tears.  I had forgotten how you have to constantly be on the lookout for danger - stairs, choking and so on.  I even found myself feeling unnatural as I was changing a diaper.  It's funny how you completely transition out of a parenting stage not even aware that you are doing so. One day you wake up and realize that all of your kids are independent and you're pretty much caught up on sleep.  Bizarre.

I was made freshly aware that parenting toddlers and babies is hard work!  Saturday night gave me a fresh reminder of just that.   It made me want to gather my friends who have little ones and hug them.  I wanted to tell them what a great job they are doing and rally around them.  I wanted to encourage them to take time for themselves and be especially kind to themselves, because they are doing hard work.

For those of us that don't have babies and toddlers, let's do just that- let's not just be spectators, let's come alongside moms with young ones.  Let's pray for them, encourage them and not judge their choices or roll our eyes when their kids throw a tantrum in the grocery store.  Those of us with older kids have been there (and in many ways still are).  Let's show them tenderness and support and cheer them on. They are so brave.

They're in the trenches -and your words, your note, your prayers, your visit, your offer to babysit or drop by with a coffee might just make all the difference.  It takes a village to raise children.  I know I'd be lost without my village, especially in those early years when I was sleep deprived, desperate for a shower and dying for five minutes to myself.  

Who can you be a support to today?  Who can you and I show some tenderness to?

A few things I'm loving these days...

A big part of the reason that I have chosen to blog is because of my commitment to intentionality.  I want to be intentional about many things and one things I want to be especially intentional about is looking for and celebrating beauty and goodness.  More and more I want to be on the lookout for that which is good and true and lovely and so on.

Along those lines (and somewhat random and fun), here are a few things I am absolutely loving on these frigidly COLD January days...

Punjammies.  Steve bought me a pair for my birthday and we bought Grace and Eva a pair for Christmas and we all love them.  Comfy.  Unique.  Amazing cause.  Love, love, love.  Can't say enough.

Coconut oil.  It's my new best friend.  Check out this post.  Can you say amazing?  Steve is tired of me talking about it!

Mid-rise skinny jeans.  Typically they carry them at Old Navy, but I found them at the Gap Outlet across the border for $19.99.  I had heard rave reviews about these and they are all true.  I'm not a big fan of jeans, but I gotta say these are so comfy, flattering and feel great.

Flannel sheets.  I bought a set at Target after Christmas and Steve and I can't believe we have been living without them.  Now we don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

My girls playing school, carving out time for art and playing Scattegories :)

Stay warm, friends!

Looking back on 2013...

This time of year, this week between Christmas and New Years is a favourite for me.  I love the opportunity to be reflective.  To ponder.

I look back on the year 2013 with gratitude.   With a full heart.  Through all the ups and downs, God's grace and goodness abound.

Highlights include:
Our sponsor child (for over 12 years) from Bangladesh was accepted into university.
My nephew, Easton was born.
Family vacations - Disney in March and camping in August.
Rich friendships.
Church in our community.
Grace's baptism on Easter weekend.
Beth learned to ride a 2 wheeler (without training wheels) on the first weekend in May.
Steve's 40th birthday party in our backyard.
My Mom turned 65 and my sisters and I took her out for a day of celebrating.
Beth went to Pee-Wee Camp on the May Long Weekend and I cabin led.
Grace's grade 8 graduation.
2013 was the year of concerts for us - Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift and Brad Paisley.  So fun.
All three of our girls are loving life in their new schools.
Friendships among cousins.
Health.
Next LEVEL Leadership Module 1 and 2.
New relationships with our migrant worker friends.
Global Leadership Summit
A part time job that I love.
Steve and I have both started running again - as iron sharpens iron, he is inspiring and pushing me.
Trip to Ireland - total dream come true.

Song that will always remind me of 2013 - I Will See You Again by Carrie Underwood.

Favourite movie from 2013 - Les Mis

Favourite Book of 2013 - Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

As I look back on 2013 the greatest lessons I learned were:

Don't suppress feelings.

Clarity matters.  

Embrace vulnerability.

Resist urge to fit a mold.  Let my true self and true voice rise up.

Let go of perfectionism and embrace spontaneity.  Practice gratitude.

Others have much to teach me.

Be merciful and gracious toward myself.  

This blog post.  


Well, that pretty much sums up 2013.  Bring on the New Year!

Christmas 2013 in photos.

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Message from Beth on our blackboard :)

Tastes like Christmas.

Making the Gingerbread House - without the Thompson's :(

Watch out T-Swift.

Nontraditional Christmas - we made spaghetti and meatballs on Christmas Day!

Rolling of the meatballs.  Serious Stuff.

Spoiled.

Surprise call from our friend Elvis in Jamaica!

Jammies.

The mantel at my parents house - COVERED in chocolate.

Crazy about him.

My brother making the Irish Coffee.

Delish.

Finished product.

Beth is so happy she received a pair of sparkly TOMS.

Safety.

 I'm a fan of counselling.  Steve and I are somewhat open about the fact that we have been to counselling from time to time over the years. Although she is not my counsellor, one of my dear friends is a family therapist.  We're believers in dealing with our "stuff" and getting as healthy as we can.  We believe that emotional and spiritual health is just as important as physical health.

A year ago, we found ourselves in our counsellor's office.  Interestingly enough it was the day before my 40th birthday.  We needed to get back on the same page and were finding ourselves to be slightly off kilter when it came to parenting and spending habits and we were in a bit of a rut when it came to resolving conflict.  All of those things were talked about and sorted through.  It felt good.  Really good.  Just as we were about to go, our counsellor said something that I was unprepared for.  He told us that he sensed we lacked "safety" in our marriage and encouraged us to work toward building just that.  I asked some clarifying questions about what exactly "safety" was and how we could build more of it into our relationship.

As the next few weeks unfolded, I began to see that he was right and perhaps for the first time ever, recognized the lack of it.

As 2013 began, it's not surprising that I chose one of my words for the year to be "safety"

Around the same time, I started reading a book by Brene Brown called Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.  I began to see how I used shame in my marriage and although I didn't want to admit it, was in many ways was responsible for creating a culture of blame. I also realized that I needed to grow in vulnerability and that vulnerability means asking for what I need in my marriage and not expecting Steve to read my mind. Often my "yes was not yes and my no was not no" (Matthew 5:37). Yikes.

2013 has been a journey for us.  We've learned so much.

Practically speaking here's what we've learned it means to have safety in our marriage:

* Assuming the absolute best of each other.
   There is a message by Andy Stanley that I 100% recommend.  In it, he talks about when there is a gap between our expectations and reality, we have a choice to make.  We can, in that moment choose to assume the best and give our spouse the benefit of the doubt or expect the worst.  In his message, he believes that this is the secret formula to staying in love over a lifetime.  I really can't say enough about this message.  I've listened to it three times and every time, it hits me hard (in the best possible way).

* Put ourselves in each other's shoes as often as possible.

* Being slow to criticize and correct one another

* Choosing to trust.

* Letting our needs be known. Not allowing unmet needs build up.  Not repressing our feelings.  Remembering that we can not read each other's minds.

* Having fun together.  Laughing together.  This is huge.

* Thinking of us as a team, in terms of an "us".

* Speaking to and about one another in a positive and respectful way.

* Setting each other up to win and not to fail.

* Walking in the way of humility.  Being willing to admit our mistakes and ask for forgiveness. 

Sometimes it's also helpful to describe what safety is not because often it's hard to describe safety when so much of it is intangible.  So, we're learning that safety is not:

* Criticizing.

* Controlling.

* "Always" and "never" comments.

* Blame and shame.

* Assuming the worst of each other.

* Speaking poorly to each other and about each other in public.

* Being defensive.

* Setting each other up to fail.
   I'm not even sure how to write this and whether any of you can even relate, but here goes:  the very    moment I think of Steve in terms of being my enemy, I unconsciously treat him as such and as a result - set him up to fail.  It's a crazy pattern that I have become aware of.  A cycle that begins in my thought life.  I am committed to breaking it.  I'm committed to thinking differently because I want our best years to be ahead of us :)

I've also learned that it's when Steve is the hardest to love that he needs to receive love the most (I'm positive that he would say the same about me)....I've found the same to be true in parenting as well....maybe in all relationships, really.

Our counsellor told us that when there is safely in a marriage relationship, both people can dream
bigger and take risks.  How beautiful is that?  We're finding that to be true.

I've learned too that when there is safety in our relationship, there is a freedom to admit mistakes, weaknesses, fears and struggles.  There is opportunity to grow.  Defenses come down.  Real intimacy develops.

All of this has been quite a game changer in our marriage. 2013 has been a significant year for us.

These days, we are assuming the best of each other more and more.  We're feeling safe to be vulnerable, talking about our fears, confessing our mistakes and asking for the help that we need.  These days we're dreaming bigger and taking some pretty cool risks because that's what a safe environment provides.  It launches just that.  These days, we are fighting for our marriage.  As Brene Brown writes, "we are turning toward one another and not against one another" (page 101 - Daring Greatly).

Not to say that we don't struggle- we do - and we will - but we're learning that it will be okay.  We're bouncing back from struggles and conflict way quicker that before.

We're in a sweet place and it feels amazing.

What have I missed?

If you're married, what does "safety" mean to you and how do you go about building it into your marriage?


*Also, can I just say that parenting a teen and a soon-to-be-teen is a challenging season in a marriage.  There has never been a time where we have more needed to be a team and be unified.  Safety is the glue that is holding us together as we cling to God and to each other.*

Steeped Tea Giveaway.

Update:  mulletkoop is the winner!  Congratulations!  Email me with your contact info and your tea will be arriving soon in the mail!

My sister, Lauren has recently become a consultant for a company called Steeped Tea.  Lauren is an avid tea driker and was introduced to the company through a close friend.

It's a Canadian Company.  Just 7 years old.  You may have even seen them on Dragon's Den.  
Steeped Tea has cool recipes on their website and lots of neat ideas for Christmas gifts  - gifts that are reasonable, practical and ethical.

Because Lauren's favourite tea is Earl Grey de la Creme.  She's offering a giveaway of 50 g of Earl Grey de la Creme loose tea.  It's a value of $6.99 plus tax and shipping total (all of which is covered).

Here's Lauren's contact info info if you want to find out more.

To be entered in the giveaway, just leave me a comment with your name and favourite kind of tea.  I'll pick a winner at noon on Tuesday.

Have a great week.

The Enneagram.

A while back, my friend Laura introduced me to the Enneagram.

1 THE REFORMER The Rational, Idealistic Type: Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic           2 THE HELPER The Caring, Interpersonal Type: Demonstrative, Generous, People-Pleasing, and Possessive 3 THE ACHIEVER The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type: Adaptive, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious 4 THE INDIVIDUALIST The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental 5 THE INVESTIGATOR The Intense, Cerebral Type: Perceptive, Innovative, Secretive, and Isolated 6 THE LOYALIST The Committed, Security-Oriented Type: Engaging, Responsible, Anxious, and Suspicious 7 THE ENTHUSIAST The Busy, Fun-Loving Type: Spontaneous, Versatile, Distractible, and Scattered 8 THE CHALLENGER The Powerful, Dominating Type: Self-Confident, Decisive, Willful, and Confrontational 9 THE PEACEMAKER The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type: Receptive, Reassuring, Agreeable, and Complacent

(photos taken from enneagraminstitute.com)


I'm not at all exaggerating when I say, that as of late, I have been a bit obsessed with the Enneagram.  It's super fascinating and such a helpful tool.  It's helped me make sense of so much about myself.  Learning about the Enneagram has been extremely insightful and is empowering me to live in a healthier way.  Quite a game changer, if I do say so.  I'm still reading and learning lots about it.  So much still to learn and absorb.

Don Riso has defined the Enneagram as "a geometric figure that delineates the nine basic personality types of human nature and their complex interrelationships." While the Enneagram suggests that there are nine basic personality types of human nature, there are, of course, many subtypes and variations within the nine fundamental categories. Nevertheless, the assertion of Enneagram theory is that these nine adequately map out the territory of "personality types."

The Enneagram is also a symbol that maps out the ways in which the nine types are related to each other. This is the aspect of the Enneagram most people are familiar with because it offers them a framework for understanding themselves and everyone they deal with. As a psychospiritual typology, the Enneagram helps people to recognize and understand an overall pattern in human behavior. External behaviors, underlying attitudes, one''s characteristic sense of self, conscious and unconscious motivations, emotional reactions, defense mechanisms, object relations, what we pay attention to, our spiritual potentials and much more—are all parts of a complex pattern that forms each personality type. Therapists, business counselors, human resource directors, and spiritual seekers from around the world are all finding the Enneagram to be immensely useful for self-understanding and personal growth. Always remember however, that the Enneagram does not put you in a box it shows you the box you are in and the way out!        
(this excerpt was taken from enneagraminstitute.com)

"A tiny bit of background: the Enneagram is an ancient Catholic way of classiflying personality types, and the word means “nine types.”  It’s been used in monasteries for centuries, and lots of the best writing & training about it comes from the Catholic tradition.

There are quizzes, but frankly, I really recommend people don’t use them. I think the best thing to do is to read through each type description and find the one that resonates most deeply with you. That’s a quick, easy process for some people and some types, and a longer, more difficult process for others.  And I totally recommend talking through it with people who know you well. "   - quoted from this blog.

I love this kind of thing; Myers-Briggs, SDI and so on.  I am fascinated by self-awareness tools.

THIS blog post and THIS one do an AMAZING job of explaining and summarizing the Enneagram and describing each of the 9 types.

Prepare to be all consumed :)

I am a One.  What number are you?

p.s.  This is the book I'm currently reading :

 

p.s.s.  Some helpful links:

www.enneagraminstitute.com
www.9types.com

Cashew Chicken - an all-time favourite.

It's been a while since I posted a recipe.  Our menu planning in the summer is super easy - it's pretty much throw some meat on the bbq and cook some veggies or put together a salad.  Come fall, I start to put a little more effort into our meal planning and I put together a bit of a rotation of our favourite meals.  Cashew Chicken is one of those.  It's one of those rare meals in our house that everyone loves and no one complains about.  The girls go crazy when I make it.  I found the recipe years ago on a site called www.relishrelish.com.

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  Here's the recipe - I always double it so that we have leftovers for lunch the following day:)
  Cashew Chicken
  Prep and cook time: 30 minutes
  - 4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts 
  - coarse salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste 
  - 3 tablespoons canola oil 
  - 1 red bell pepper , seeded and chopped 
  - 2 teaspoons garlic, minced 
  - 2 teaspoons ginger, minced 
  - 1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes 
  - 3/4 cup chicken broth 
  - 1 1/2 tablespoons soy sauce 
  - 1 1/2 teaspoons cornstarch 
  - 1 teaspoon sugar 
  - 1/2 cup salted, roasted, whole cashews 
  - 4 green onions , white and light green parts, chopped
  [1] Cut chicken into 1-inch cubes and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Heat a wok or a large heavy skillet over medium-high heat. Add oil, swirling to coat, then sauté the chicken until golden in places and just cooked through, 4 to 5 minutes.
  [2] Transfer the chicken to a plate with a slotted spoon. Add bell pepper, garlic, ginger and red pepper flakes to the skillet and stir-fry until peppers are just tender, 5 to 6 minutes.
  [3] In a small bowl, stir together broth, soy sauce, cornstarch, and sugar, then stir into skillet.
  [4] Reduce heat and simmer, stirring occasionally, until thickened, 1 to 2 minutes. Stir in cashews, green onions, and chicken along with any juices accumulated on plate. Serve immediately over rice.
  
  Sesame-Lime Rice
  Prep and cook time: 30 minutes
  - 1 cup jasmine rice 
  - coarse salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste - 2 tablespoons sesame seeds, toasted 
  - 1 tablespoon toasted sesame oil 
  - 1 tablespoon lime juice
  [1] Cook rice according to package instructions.
  [2] Toss rice with sesame seeds, oil, a little lime zest and juice. Season with salt and pepper and fluff with a fork.
  
  Enjoy!
  
  What is one of your favourite Fall recipes?

On tea-drinking, ocean-gazing and creating margin.

This time last week, I was returning home from a week spent in Northern Ireland.  It was an amazing week and one that I will be reflecting on and processing for quite some time.  At this point, there is so much that I can hardly put into words.

 It is no secret that I like to be in control.  Truth be told, I am a recovering perfectionist and a week away on my own without my husband or kids was so good for me in many ways.  For one, I felt like I was 22 yrs. old and free of responsibilities - which felt weird and fantastic all at the same time.  And secondly, a week like last freed me just a little bit more from the need to be in control and from the need to try to fix and rescue all things related to my little family.  I was thousands of miles away from my family, across a ocean and in a different time zone.  It was really healthy for me to take off the "Mom hat" and be reminded that my girls are capable and increasingly independent.  It felt great to empower them in that way.

I ventured out on this trip to surprise my Aunt and spend time with my family.  What I didn't expect was the chance to reflect and learn so much about myself. A gift indeed.

This wasn't the first time I had been to Northern Ireland.   My Dad is from Belfast and almost all of his family live on the Emerald Isle to this very day.  This was my 6th trip.  However, in many ways, I was able to see things differently at 40 than perhaps I did at 18 and 26.

There was much I learned and observed.  One thing that I had never noticed before was the lack of frantic-ness (yes, I just made that word up).  Their pace of life was so much less hurried than I am used to.  It was refreshing and strange at the same time.  It took me a while to unwind and get used to it.  I'm not sure that I can realistically bring it home and implement it into my life here in Canada.  I observed it and I appreciated it for sure - the unhurried conversations, the endless cups of tea, the absence of people checking their cell phones for a text message .  There was definitely a sense in which face-to-face relationships were the greatest value.  No one seemed to be in a hurry.  In so many ways, time stood still.

Days after landing on Canadian soil, I found myself in two separate conversations about margin.  About the need to go against the grain in our culture  - to resist the temptation to live a frantic, packed and hurried life.  About having more white space on the calendar.  About how to make more space for relationships and hospitality.  More time for people.  More space in our schedules for the spontaneous.  It was a conversation that I have been reflecting on and wrestling with, to be sure.

As I think about those conversations together with my time in Ireland - I'm inspired to be more intentional about slowing down and resisting the urge to be frantic and hurried.  I'm challenged to leave more white space on my calendar.  These days, I'm trying to breathe more deeply, resist hurry and value what matters most.