On Tuesday, Steve and I celebrated 19 years of marriage. Whoa!
Could my hair be any bigger in this photo (please don't answer that question!)?
As I think about marriage and all of the grit that it requires combined with the demands of life and not to mention the complexity of our humanity, there are a couple of keys that have stood out to Steve and I over the years. By no means is this an exhaustive list. It's just simply what's true for Steve. After many ups and downs and lessons learned the hard way and so on, here's what we know to be true:
1. Every day is fresh. Every day you can begin again. Mercies are fresh every morning. Marriages are build day-by-day. When things are hard, take it one step and one day at a time. When we mess up or find ourselves in an abyss, Steve and I use the language, "let's begin again" or "can we begin again?" The answer is always yes.
2. Passion is important but guess what? - so is grit. Grit means hanging in there. Grit means embracing hard work and having tough, honest, uncomfortable conversations and entering into the messy. So much growth and transformation can take place in a marriage and it requires grit. Our experience has been that the more we work through challenges and disappointments and forgiveness and obstacles, the closer we become. This kind has brought Steve and I to a place of intimacy that we knew nothing about 19 years ago.
3. Surround yourself with people who are deeply invested in their marriages and who are cheering you on in your marriage. You need safe and trustworthy individual friends and couple friends. We become like the people we hang out with so hang out with people that you want to emulate. We are the sum of the people we surround ourselves so choose well. The quote that reads "Show me your friends and I'll show you your future" is true in life and equally true in marriage.
4. When there are gaps, give generous assumptions. Build a default of assuming the best of each other. This is a memory muscle that I had to develop (and if I'm honest, I'm still developing). It's a game changer. Swim in grace.
5. Be each other's biggest cheerleader. Be in your spouses corner. Make sure your spouse overhears you bragging about them.
6. Flirt with your spouse. Often. It fans the flames and helps you feel connected and young. Laugh often. Have inside jokes. Send lots of texts and bitmojis. I love having special language that just the two of us use - for example I love it when Steve calls me "baby".
7. Don't back your spouse into a corner. Avoid accusations. Set each other up to win and not fail. Enter into conversations with holy curiosity. Help me understand your point of view? If a conversation becomes contemptuous, take a break and walk away immediately. Words have power and last longer than you think and you want to avoid regret when it comes to words. It's always more important to be kind than it is to be right. Choose the relationship and the person over winning an argument. Apologize often. Own your stuff.
8. Create a sense of "home" together. Rootedness, belonging, safety, unconditional love and forgiveness. HOME. Build a foundation of love and leave a legacy for those in your wake.
9. Sex is amazing and magical AND it gets better over time. Who knew? I had no idea...
To sum it all up: Write your love story together, make memories, be a team and create rhythms that are just yours.
What have I missed?
Here's to the next 19 years!
