Welcome to New York (it's been waiting for you).

Seven years ago, my sisters and I (and Beth who was eleven months old at the time) surprised my Mom and flew her to NYC for a long weekend to celebrate her 60th birthday. I'm not kidding when I say that it was an epic trip. It was packed full of memory making material. My mom was flying high - ten feet off the ground - and she didn't stop smiling (or talking) the ENTIRE TRIP.

At that time, Grace was almost 9 and desperate to join us. Shamelessly begging us. In an off-the-cuff comment, back then in 2008, I casually said, "tell you what, when you're 16, I'll take you to NYC".

At the time, the thought of having a 16 year old daughter seemed like a million years away. Little did I know that those seven years would be here in a flash. 

Grace never forgot those words and as her 16th birthday approached this year, there was zero question that we were going. Of course we were.

To be frank, I wasn't overly anticipating this trip. We had just built a house and were just settling in after an exhausting season of life and in some ways financially it didn't really make sense to do this trip.

Regardless, it was a deliberate discipline of celebration. It was simply the following through of a promise.

I had no idea what I was in for.

I tried to build the weekend as much as possible around things that Grace would enjoy (hours and hours in Times Square) and things that were on her bucket list (Carlos bakery and the Brooklyn Bridge for starters). I tried to see New York through the eyes of a 16 year old and worked hard to remember what life felt like for me when I was her age. I saw myself in her so much and it wasn't long until Grace and I felt like peers and I began to remember just what 16 felt like.

I dropped any of my own personal agenda pretty quickly into our trip and decided instead to take on the posture of curiosity, which as an aside is a bit of a theme these days for me.

Curiosity. Inquiry. Less telling and more questions. More dialogue.

I realized that I hadn't spent intentional time alone with Grace for years.

I also realized that I can be hard on her and my expectations can be high.

I recalled how it was in fact Grace that made me a mom all of those years ago and how she changed my life and my story forever.

For those of you who have teens, there are times as a mom when your teen pushes you away and it stings so hard. Looking back, I think I have been fairly decent at giving Grace her space when she gives me the subtle and not so subtle hints and yet on this trip, I came to grips with the truth that while I gave her space, it was also necessary to fight for and pursue a relationship with her. In some ways, I had let her pull away without a fight. It was time for that to change.

I know my role has changed significantly in her life. These days I  can coach her but not control her. She is her own person. And that's a really beautiful and healthy thing.

As we walked through the streets of Manhattan - streets that smelled like a combination of street meat, exhaust fumes and Chanel Number 5 - I was savvy and insightful enough to know that I was going to love this memory. We both were. And we do already.

The trip changed me. It changed us.

I wouldn't have wanted to miss it for the world.

Here are a few fun photos.

Grace checked this one off her bucket list.

View from our hotel. I honestly can't say enough about the hotel we stayed at. Great location. Super clean. Reasonable and FUN and trendy (we felt like hipsters).

Grand Central Station.

I tried to play it cool (instead I acted like a geek) when I bumped into Kevin Bacon on 8th Avenue. I accidentally cut Grace and Kyra out of the photo. True story. Also, Grace had no idea who he was - clearly I have failed her as Mom. Time to introduce my girls to Footloose!

Biking through Central Park. LOVE.

Getting rained on as we biked in Central Park.

East River Ferry took us to the Brooklyn Bridge. Spectacular.

Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge. Wow.

More B.B. What a view!

We couldn't get enough of the street meat and the pastry shops around Manhattan.

We made sure to see Henri Matisse's work for Beth (who is a big fan).

Year of kindness.

Back in January, I decided and declared on behalf of my family that 2015 would be the year of kindness.

Our house is full of girls and two of them are teenagers. Need I say more? We all remember what teen girls are like, right? Amazing and hormonal.  Girls don't fight in a way that boys do (not that I know this firsthand but it's what my friends tell me). Girls don't typically wrestle or punch. Their default (at least in my house) is to hurt with words. To be unkind.

We all know exactly what T-swift is talking about, right?

You, with your words like knives

And swords and weapons that you use against me

You have knocked me off my feet again

Got me feeling like a nothing

You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard

Calling me out when I'm wounded

You, picking on the weaker man

Well you can take me down with just one single blow

But you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ole city

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides

And your wildfire lies and your humiliation

You have pointed out my flaws again

As if I don't already see them

I walk with my head down

Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you

I just wanna feel okay again

I bet you got pushed around

Somebody made you cold

But the cycle ends right now

'Cause you can't lead me down that road

And you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ole city

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

Meanness.

It destroys me to my core. Hits such a nerve with me. It's the one thing I was unprepared for in parenting. 

It drives me crazy on so many levels.

Maybe it's because it takes me back to teen years and I remember how mean girls can be. Mostly It's because I know that words have power. Words have the potential to hurt and destroy. To bring death essentially. AND words have the power to heal. To encourage. To breathe life and hope. Words can be ugly and words can be beautiful.

As an aside, words said in anger have the power to cause deep wounds. Wounds that last. 

I loved the part in the Bob Goff's book (Love Does), where he writes about how words can launch people. Isn't that such a beautiful image?

I think about the times that a text, phone call or an email from a friend has launched me.

I want to be the kind of person who launches others. 

What gets rewarded gets repeated and these days I'm on the lookout for kindness and making a point to reward it and affirm it in the girls I'm raising.

I just love how kindness has a way of creating a culture of safety.

This past year in grade 2, Beth had the most amazing teacher. Honestly, I just love her grade 2 teacher, Sarah. Sarah's teaching style is one of kindness and respect. I noticed when visiting her classroom that she doesn't speak over her kids. She waits for them and they have her full attention. It's no surprise that her students adore her and love learning in the environment that she creates. It's interesting too that there is so much independence and creativity flourishing in her classroom. Her kind style of teaching spills over and multiplies as the kids write notes of encouragement to one another. Her classroom guidelines contain things like: understanding that everyone makes mistakes, standing up for ourselves and others, listening carefully, and so much more.

I adore the Ephesians 4:29 idea of reclaiming out words, cheering each other on, building each other up and making people who listen the beneficiaries of our words.

I am for you.

I hope for you.

I believe in you.

I am in your corner.

Words can be the greatest gift we give one another. Doesn't every other kind of gift eventually fade or break?

I'll never forget a high school teacher, Mrs. Fowler, pulling me aside and telling me that she saw potential in me. She told me that she believed in me and that I wasn't to sell myself short. Those words launched me.

My friend Ellen says that words nourish our souls in the same way that bread nourishes our physical bodies.  Words placed carefully in an ear nourish the recipient. We can cheer one another on with our words.

I remember hearing Andy Stanley once say that you can win the fight/argument but lose the relationship. 

 When teen girls are unkind, it's really more about what s going on inside of them, isn't it? You know -  the inner struggle. I'm learning that it's less about the behaviour and more about the emotions and feelings behind the behaviour.

Doesn't it always go back to what's going on the inside?

Maybe it's not so different with me. With you.

We all want our world to be kind. We want people to be kind. We want to be kind toward others. 

I desperately want my girls to be kind toward one another and I'm learning that it begins with me. It begins with me choosing and showing radical kindness toward myself. Is it possible that that's where it needs to begin and flow from? Isn't that where it's the hardest?

I'm leaning into kindness toward myself today. Doesn't it seem at times like our default is to be hard on ourselves as women, compare ourselves to some unattainable standard and take care of everyone else before ourselves?

It's easy to talk about kindness in theory or kindness toward others. Kindness toward ourselves is another thing all together.

And it's a choice. 

What would it look like to show kindness and compassion toward yourself this month? This year? Today?

It looks different for all of us and for me it looks like:

Getting enough sleep.

Making time to exercise.

Asking for what I need and not apologizing for my needs.
Starting my day on the right note.
Knowing what breathes life into me and doing more of it.
Monitoring my self talk, my inner dialogue -silencing my inner critic.
Allowing my life to be ruled by love and not fear (fear is a liar anyway).

It's been the year of kindness and this summer is the summer of kindness. 

This summer, my Monday afternoon girls group has challenged me, together with Steve and the girls create a family rule of life, a mission statement/manifesto of sorts.

It's in the works and you can be sure that kindness will be a big part of it :)

The dog days of summer.

I

I love summer. The weather, the long days, no school lunches to make, picking fruit and stopping by roadside stands, campfires and fireflies, time with friends. I could go on and on...

I love summer and yet, I can't let myself get tricked. It's not exactly a holiday for me. Dinner still needs to be made, we still need clean clothes to wear, kids have to get driven around and there is a general busyness and chaos that comes with having kids and a household to manage. Plus, did I mention that we are building a house?

But here's what summer is: it's a change of pace. A really welcome change of pace. A chance to breathe a little deeper and move a bit slower.

Experience tells me that it's a change of pace that still requires some structure and it requires me to bring my A-game.

Check out the summer schedule I created on a piece of paper with a sharpie and then
taped up in my kitchen. I know, so hi-tech.

In case you're curious, F.O. B. is an acronym that I learned from camp. It means "flat on bunk" or "feet on bed". It's a fancy schmancy way of saying rest time.

I've also learned again and again each summer of the importance of taking great care of myself. It's super important as the days can feel long and kids home all summer can be exhausting. If I'm going to be pouring out all day long, I have to be high on the self care.

"Self care is never a selfish act - it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others. Anytime we can listen to the true self and give it the care it requires, we do so not only for ourselves but for the many others whose lives we touch." - Parker Palmer (Let Your Life Speak)

Self care for me means things like:

• eating well
• asking for what I need and being clear about it (after 18 years of being married, I still have to remind myself that my husband can't read my mind)
• starting my days with solitude and prayer
• exercise
• marriage time
• time with friends
• a good night's sleep ( sooooo important for me)
• and of course, chocolate

At the onset of summer, I needed to remind myself that summer is really only 10 weeks long. 10 weeks with no school. That's it.

So naturally, we made a summer bucket list, which included some things like:

• lemonade stand
• lunch at our favourite chip wagon
• making raspberry jam
• driving down to the lake to gather rocks and watch the sunset
• drive-in movies
• making homemade ice cream
• buying homemade donuts from a local bakery
• Beth and I reading Charlotte's Web
• visiting an art gallery and local museum

I just realized that most of the things on our bucket list are food related. Lol.

Personally, I have some fantastic books on the go: 

This summer I am pumped about attending the Global Leadership Summit on August 6&7th and can't wait to read Brene Brown and Jen Hatmaker's latest books coming out in August. 

I'm also loving this podcast.

And this song is on repeat.

Beth and I read Anne this past winter and now she is devouring the DVD's of Anne. I grew up on Anne and I'm loving connecting with her through Anne. So much nostalgia.

So in a nutshell, my summer means saying yes to:

• lazy mornings
• reading books
• creativity
• getting wet
• being spontaneous
• choosing connection above all else (so needed in the season we are in of building a house)
• pony tails
• ice cream
• bike rides
• making memories
• wearing a bikini (this blog post from last summer has inspired me)

I'm hoping to be keeping in mind that these are the days my girls will grow up and remember . This are the days that will fill their memory bank. These are the days where imagination and creativity have the opportunity to flourish. These are the days I want them to look back on with memories that are carefree and magical.

Enough about me. How are you savouring your summer? What are you saying yes to? How are you caring for yourself well and what's on your bucket list?

P.s. If you live in Niagara, check out these free activities throughout the summer.

Big picture.

So, these days we're building a house. Nothing too crazy or fancy. It's a raised bungalow on a quiet street. I'd be lying if I said that it's not something I always wanted to do. The super cool thing about it is that we totally designed it along with help from our friends, Kris and Laurie. We designed it from scratch, as they say, to work for our family and the stage of life that we're at. The bedrooms are small and yet there is lots of living space. It literally feels like none of the space is wasted and that every inch of it will be used well. Our main values guiding us along the way are to be conducive to the teenage years and conducive to hospitality. The design and the flow of the house feels so true to us and that feels nothing short of fantastic.

I've also loved the creative process. This has been a super fun part that I didn't even expect. It's an opportunity to be true to myself and surround myself with what we love.
It's funny but building a house has reminded me of 18 years ago when young Steve and I were planning our wedding. I remember being overwhelmed with decisions to be made and hearing about what so-and-so did and and looking at magazines and walking through stores and so on. And I'll never forget the advice that Dave Sr. (that's what my sibs and I call my Dad) gave me. He said four words, "Be true to yourself". I'm not sure if he remembers those words or not but those words guided me then and they're guiding me again now.

We're learning as we go and we're hoping that the feel of the house is somewhere between a beach house and a cottage-y feel. Cozy, bright, warm, rustic and even a bit whimsical. 

It's been a cool opportunity to exercise some decisiveness on my part when it comes to decision making and then not to second guess the decisions once they're made. I'm growing and expanding in my stress management skills too. It's also an exercise in letting go of perfectionism. All gifts indeed.

It's been an exciting adventure and if I'm honest, it's been stressful too. 

I know it's not a problem of real stress. We get that it's a first world problem and we're not looking for sympathy in any way. For the most part, we're keeping our perspective in all of this and not letting the house building become the biggest deal in our lives. 

Some days are slow and carefree and some are full of decision making, phone calling, purchase making and budget keeping. Steve is pretty easy going about most things but once and a while we butt heads and find ourselves at odds with each other. Our patience with each other and the kids isn't always stellar. And yet, it's an opportunity to choose grace and patience and to put our relationships and connection with each other ahead of building a house. It's an opportunity to assume the best of one another over and over again.

Steve is massively hands on in this build and in English what that means is that when he is not at his day job or coaching baseball or eating or sleeping, he's at the house. This means he's not with us as much as we'd like and even though we have an almost 16 year old, a 13 year old and an 8 year old- they feel it when he's not around. I totally never anticipated this. They're extra sensitive and kinda irritable and act up in ways that I didn't expect. My role has definitely been to keep things as calm and stable on the home front as possible and the truth is that some days that is easier said than done. 

Not too long ago, I was lying awake in the early hours of the morning - which by the way is a new experience for Steve and I. We both are people who like our sleep and have zero trouble falling asleep but let me just say that since building a house we sleep less - mostly because we wake up thinking about things to do and decisions to be made and it's like our minds never really shut down. We were both just saying that never has there been a time in the eighteen years that we've been married where we wake up before our alarm clock goes off. These days we pretty much always wake up before our alarm clock goes off. Craaaazy.

Anyways, I was lying awake on that really-busy-overwhelming-I-can't-keep-up-this-pace-or-keep-my-head-above-water kind of week, it occurred to me that it won't always be this way. I mean I know that but clearly by the way it hit me, I didn't know it. You know that way, right?

It's a season and one day we'll actually be living in the house. And making memories. And hosting friends. And doing life together. Oh ya. We're not just doing this for fun or because we're crazy. For real. I took a step back and remembered the big picture. Remembering the big picture was a game changer for me. Now I remind us all (mostly myself) why we're doing what we're doing.

We're two months in and have another month (or so) to go. Can you say fast?

We're loving the adventure. It's stretched us and I know we're going to miss this journey and probably be bored when it's over.  It will be a complete win if Steve and I both still like each other and if Kris and Laurie (our friends helping us with the build) still like us. Grin.

Back to the big picture.

Isn't that true in all of life?

Maybe someone other than me needed this reminder today.

It's easy to loose sight and get bogged down and discouraged in the day-to-day.

Think about the big picture:

• In marriage
• In parenting
• In pursuing dreams
• In working out conflict
• In working toward our goals
• the list is as unique as we are and endless really...

We're not always going to be where we are. The big picture keeps us grounded and fills us with perspective and hope.

It's interesting to imagine ourselves on the other side. That place of having arrived. What would you want to say to yourself who is now in that place of not yet, that place of being in the middle?

Are there ways that you need to remind yourself of the big picture that you're working and moving toward? 

I know I sure do.

Most wonderful time of year.

Christmas was fantastic with all of its magic, tinsel, shortbread, gifts, visits, late nights and sugar. Amazing and chaotic all wrapped up with a bow. I loved and savoured it.

And then all of a sudden, it's over.

It's December 30th today. I can take a deep breath and exhale and put on the comfiest of clothes. Ahhhh. Yes!

Now that Christmas is behind me, I am enjoying and embracing one of my most favourite times of the year. I savour the days between Boxing Day and New Year's Day. I just love them. They're a chance to unwind and reflect on the past twelve months and a chance to dream about the next twelve months. An opportunity to set fresh goals and dream new dreams...

A brand new year. A fresh slate. A new beginning, full of hope and possibility. 

But before I can embrace the new, I always feel the need to reflect on and let go of the past year.

If you're like me and love this kind of thing, you might enjoy this resource and this one.

On the board of Elders of which I am a part, we spend the morning of December 31st together reflecting on the past twelve months and then dreaming about the year to come and setting goals and casting vision. Hands down it is my most favourite meeting of the whole year. I just love the space to have these kinds of conversations.

On our board, one of the many tools we use for our personal yearly evaluation is the Start - Stop - Sustain. I've become quite familiar with this tool because we also use it at Summit Team Building where I work from time to time as a facilitator when we debrief a team building challenge.

Start - what do I want start doing?

Stop - what do i want to stop doing?

Sustain - what do I want to keep doing?

The Start - Stop - Sustain tool can be applied to all areas of life: relationships, health, finances, spiritual growth and so on.

I have friends, who together with their family choose a family word each year to summarize their hopes and dreams for the year. One year their word was YES.  Isn't that great? I have other friends who choose personal words for the year. You can read more about that idea here.

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?

Mary Oliver

Pause and imagine your life 365 days from now. Picture what you would want it to look like. Now imagine what it would take for that to become real. What steps do you need to take for that picture to become a reality?

The one piece of advice I would give (I've learned this the hard way) is to make goals super manageable, practical and bite size. Remember something is better than nothing :)

Last year was full of many highs and lows. Joys and disappointments. I'm grateful for all of them. And I'm sensing and believing great things for 2015. Happy New Year :)

Inner Child in all of us.

“Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.”

Mark Twain

This year, I was having a harder time getting into the Christmas spirit. On the other, my girls long for snow and found that first snowfall to be nothing short of magical. They are the ones that had to beg me to put up the tree. I waited until the last minute to order Christmas cards and if it wasn't for their prompting, I would have done little decorating.

I'm reminded that often kids look at Christmas and think about Christmas through different lenses than we adults do. Along the way I'm realizing that somehow I've lost my wonder. This Christmas I'm hoping to be rekindled in my child likeness.

This is a message frome Christmas 2013 that Beth wrote on our kitchen chalkboard.

I read somewhere recently about the idea that there is an inner child in all of us, buried beneath the practical and the responsible and the serious. Deep down there is a small child within us that we carry with us always, suppressed as he or she may be.

I've been thinking lately of the idea of looking at people through that lens. I know this is a bit out there, but stay with me for a second. Think about a time when you're dealing with a challenging person and remembering (even picturing) that they were once a little boy or girl with hopes and dreams and inhibitions and giggles and even a story, helps give compassion.  

Interestingly enough I remember my mom telling me one time that the average 4 year old laughs 300 times a day and the average 40 year old laughs 4 times a day.

This will likely be Beth's last Christmas believing in Santa. Already she knows the reality about the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. It's just a matter of time now. Deep down I think she has doubts about Santa but the little girl in her doesn't want to face them. The funny thing is, Steve and I have never made a big deal about Santa. In fact, we totally downplay the Santa piece wanting to focus more on the spiritual significance of the holiday. The girls don't even get gifts from Santa, just their stockings. In spite of all of this, my seven year old loves the idea of magic and wonder and wants to hang on as long as possible to Santa.

It's brought me face to face with the reality that I've become practical. Maybe even a bit jaded.

I came across something recently online (I can't find it now to reference it, but I have a feeling it was by Anne Lamott, whom I adore) and it was along the idea that none of us were born fearful, perfectionist or controlling. Rather these were traits we developed along the course of our beautiful, imperfect and messy lives.

This Christmas I am wanting to let go a little bit of the practical and open myself up to the magical. The mystical. The wondrous. This Christmas I'm looking to reconnect with the inner child in me.

Maybe it's time for me to make snow angels, sing out loud and dance like nobody's watching.

Last Saturday as I spent the day with Beth at our local Santa Clause parade and then at a Wizard of Oz performance, I found myself viewing it all through her eyes and guess what - it was magical. It was nothing short of wonderful.

And last week when I was out in the fresh snowfall for a run, I stopped and made a snow angel because that's what kids would do and I don't want to lose or suppress the inner child in me, not at Christmas or anytime really.

Anyways ultimately isn't Christmas all about mystery? The mystery of the incarnate. The child in a manger. The star. The shepherds. The wise men. The mystery.

I have so many great children in my life and maybe part of loving the children around us is seeing the world through their eyes.

Want to join me?

Christmas 1974

Waiting well.

Advent has taken in a whole new meaning for me this year. At its core, advent is about waiting with expectancy. Advent is the anticipation of the Christ child that we celebrate at Christmas. As I have mentioned before, this year I'm in a season of waiting. I'm making peace with mystery. I'm living with uncertainty. I read this post not too long ago by Sarah Bessey and my heart jumped inside me and cried out yes, that's what I'm feeling! And as often only the Spirit works, I keep noticing, being drawn to and reading about advent and the waiting. About the longing and the joy of anticipation.

These days some areas of my life have closure and answers and others do not. I'm starting to realize that we're all waiting for something. We're all in a season of longing in one way or another. Ultimately we're all waiting for Christ to come again and make all things new and bring about His kingdom here on earth.

The cry of my heart is O come o come Emmanuel. Emmanuel meaning God with us. Meaning we're not alone. He's in the waiting with you and I.

I'm waiting and I want to wait well. I have a friend who is also is a season of "waiting". We've adopted this phrase of "waiting well".

By the phrase "waiting well", I'm talking about waiting with hope and expectation rather than despair. Waiting with gratitude and trust rather than complaining and self pity. About choosing well in a season of longing and uncertainty. About leaning into the journey of mystery and being okay with not having all of the answers. Asking humbly, "what can I learn from this?". This is what's behind the idea of "waiting well". It's HARD stuff and most of the time it's a choice.

I have a feeling that I'm not the only one who needs the encouragement today to wait well. If that's you, I'm right in the thick of this with you and cheering you on in the journey. Let's do this well!

When Steve and I were first married, I worked at a church and one crisp and snowy December the minister and his wife gave us an advent candle wreath. It was lovely and festive, but truthfully we had no idea what to do with it. Generally when we had family or friends coming over we would just light all four of the candles and put it as a center piece on the table.

I had grown up with in a Presbyterian faith tradition where we celebrated advent and each Sunday in December my church family would light a candle and share liturgy about peace, hope, joy, love and the Christ Child on Christmas Eve. Even still, the advent tradition was not rooted deeply in me yet. Then fast forward to being married for over a decade and one day I was purging and cleaning out my house and (gasp) can you believe I parted with that advent wreath. I pitched it. We weren't practicing advent in an intentional way and the candle wreath seemed a bit archaic (I can't believe I'm admitting this).

No biggie until this year. 

This Christmas all I can think about is that wreath. I am wishing I had that advent wreath and the tangible symbol of waiting that it is. I can picture it in my mind perfectly. I even checked my Christmas boxes again just in case maybe just maybe I actually didn't throw it out. No such luck. I investigated into making a purchase locally and even looked on line to find one. Still no luck. I'm still looking and hopefully by next Christmas I'll have one.

As I dove into this month of December, I was gearing up for a BUSY month. I was preparing to work at two schools in addition to all of the stuff that goes along with Christmas...shopping, parties, card writing, baking, decorating and so on. It turned out that both schools pushed pause and decided to wait until the first week of January to begin the literacy project of which I am a part. Then, the clutch broke on my car and it was sent to the transmission shop. There it was torn apart, parts were ordered and parts were sent away to be rebuilt (it's really all a foreign language to me). Anyways, I was without a car for seven days. SEVEN. Can you believe it? I had to cancel plans and life sloooooowed right down. What I thought would be a fast paced month ended up being slow. At first it was painful. I kept thinking of all the things I could be doing, And then it became a gift. A chance to reflect on the past year. A chance to pause. A chance to pray and journal. A chance to rest. I consumed a lot of tea, hot chocolate and coffee. It was like I was forced to take a sabbatical. On the last day of my forced home stay, it snowed hard. It was a winter wonderland and I had a snow day all by myself (which by the way is the best kind). It made me think that perhaps it was all a part of the advent. A part of learning to wait well.

 O come o come Emmanuel

P.S. This podcast was a good encouragement and challenge to me in my journey of waiting well.

Uncertainty.

It's been a while since I blogged and the truth is there are all sorts of reasons for that. This fall has been interesting and like no other season I have experienced, it has been marked with uncertainty.

Uncertainty about where I'll work and where we'll live and what the future looks like. It's hard to put into words, but it's just overall felt like a shaky time.

I don't do so well with uncertainty. Uncertainty stirs up all kinds of fears and insecurities in me. I crave certainty. I like black and white. I like knowing what to expect. I love setting goals and five year plans. I'm that person. Uncertainty and I are kinda like oil and water.

Uncertainty brings out the worst in me. Ouch. It causes me to face my fears and the unhealthy parts of being an Enneagram One.

As a side note, I realized that during times of uncertainty, I am prone to wear the comfiest clothes imaginable. Every night for about a month, I put on my husbands super baggy sweatshirt. I also drank lots of tea. Not exactly my best look, but whatever.

Notice the sweatshirt in this photo :)

Perhaps God in his humour knew it was time for me to face this giant. Embracing uncertainty is all about me learning to trust. Its about me being okay with the unknown and recognizing that there is much to be learned in this place. It's about making peace with mystery. It's one thing to talk about unclenching my fists, opening my palms and embracing surrender and another thing entirely to do it. The funny thing is, it's not a one time decision. It's daily. Sometimes hourly. Sometimes moment to moment.

I'm learning that it requires tons of courage and a willingness to be transformed.

I loved and resonate with this meditation from Richard Rohr:

Don’t Push the River   All of us are much larger than the good or bad stories we tell about ourselves. Don’t get caught in “my” story, my hurts, my agenda. It’s too small. It’s not the whole you, not the Great You. It’s not the great river. It’s not where life is really going to happen. No wonder the Spirit is described as “flowing water” and as “a spring inside you” (John 4:10-14) or, as it states at the end of the Bible, as a “river of life” (Revelation 22:1-2). Your life is not really about “you.” It is part of a much larger stream called God. The separate self is finally an illusion for those who stay on the journey of prayer. I believe that faith might be precisely that ability to trust the river, to trust the flow and the Lover. It is a process that we don’t have to create, coerce, or improve. We simply need to allow it to flow. That takes immense confidence in God, especially when we’re hurting. Usually, I can feel myself get panicky. I want to make things right, and right now! I lose my ability to be present, and I go up into my head and start obsessing. I try to push or even create the river—the river that is already flowing through me. Faith does not need to push the river precisely because it is able to trust that there is a river. The river is flowing; we are in it. The river is God’s providential love—so do not be afraid. We have been given the Spirit (Luke 11:13). Without this awareness of the always flowing river, without a sense that we are supported, we will all succumb to fear and control mechanisms. Why wouldn’t we? To stay in God’s holding means that I have to stop taking full hold of myself, at least to some degree. I have to be able to hold a certain degree of uncertainty, ambiguity, and tension. Paradoxically, this leads to a much more calm and content way of “being in control”! Now all the frenzy and fear is gone. Adapted from Everything Belongs: The Gift of Contemplative Prayer, pp. 142-145

These days I'm doing some tough inner work. Soul work. It's hard, scary and exhausting and yet I know that I am on holy ground. Shaky, yet holy.

A few weeks ago, over a latte at Starbucks a friend described to me the ancient practice of centering prayer. It was at the most perfect time imaginable. I can hardly put into words how significant this experience has been for me. It's funny, because if I had been told about centering prayer a year ago or even a month ago, I likely would have brushed it off. In this season of uncertainty, I have drank it up. It's been a pure gift. Gradually, I am finding my center in Christ.

This has been an anthem, a theme song. Letting go of safety. Leaving the shore:

On a lighter note,

Beth was the bravest girl on Halloween. Doesn't she make the cutest Merida?

I discovered a squash soup recipe that I love. Goats cheese crumbled on top. To die for.

I spent a day in October at a local Monastery and participated in a silent retreat. 

This tree outside my front window kept me in awe throughout the month of October.

I have a thing for rainbows. This fall we were at a friend's house and saw this breathtaking full rainbow.

I read this on instagram by Bob Goff recently. So timely for me.

I'm realizing that there is life to be lived in the uncertain times. Meaning to be found. Joy to be discovered. Learning to be done. I'm on the lookout for such gifts :)

Why blog? Part 2.

 “I’m a musician. I write songs. I just hope that when the day is done, I’ve been able to tear a little corner off the darkness.” Bono

Last summer, I wrote this post about why I blog.

Lately I've been thinking about that post and I have a few more thoughts to add...

Have I mentioned that I love words? I love reading, writing and all forms of putting words together. I assumed this was the case with everyone until recently. 

Writing is my favourite way to communicate and the best way for me to figure out what I think and feel. I'm realizing it's how God wired me.

I want my life to be about being on the lookout for beauty and then celebrating it. 

In all forms - in creation, in people, in myself, in truth ... and so on.  

I'm realizing that's what I want my life to be about in a nutshell.

Writing and blogging is a way for me to be on the lookout for beauty.

Not only do I want to be on the lookout for beauty, but I want to celebrate it and call it forth in others. I want to tear a little corner off the darkness.

I'm asking myself what that looks like practically. Perhaps it means:

• Loving with intention.
• And gratitude.
• Connecting rather than comparing.
• Choosing to be looking for good. Celebrating it.  Sharing it.
• Not only looking for good, but doing good. Living a life of action and goodness and inviting others into the journey. 

Also, for me, writing is a cliff. I feel both completely alive and completely terrified at the same time. 

I'm not going to lie. It's scary.

But feeling alive is a pretty huge value for me.

So here's my challenge for you and for me: Do something creative every day. 

Find what makes you come alive and do more of it.

Back to school.

Summer was awesome.

And as much as I loved it and really tried to savour it, yesterday I realized that I'm okay if I don't have another burger or hot dog for a long long time.

Yesterday we were swimming and roasting hot dogs and today we were doing this. Crazy.

Grade Two, Eight and Ten.

I like new beginnings. I'm a fan of fresh starts - new journals, fresh calendars, new year at school. 

Here's my obligatory "kid are back to school" selfie. This is how I celebrated, I mean coped :)

This morning my house was SO quiet. I had forgotten what silence sounded like. I'm not going to lie, I wasted all kinds of time. Like lots. I hardly knew what to do with myself. Not to worry, I'll figure it out:)

Here's some back to school reading if you're in the mood...

asking your kids how their day was,
limiting screen time,
changing someones story,
menu planning.

Have a great week!

C.

Summer in photos (so far)

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." 
- Albert Camus

As always, the first week of summer holidays was an adjustment for the girls and I. We loved the loose structure and no lunches to make, but there was the "I'm bored", the whining and the fighting to get out of our system...

Now that we're a month in, we are in a good groove. So good that I want to press pause. I don't know about you, but from where I stand, summer is going by waaaay to fast. And, can August please be HOT?!

These days bedtimes are getting later and later, mornings are lazy, afternoons are often poolside and evenings are by the soccer field or baseball diamond.



Throw in there some berry picking, jumbo freezies, bike rides, girls off to camp, campfires, BBQ and homemade ice cream and all is good;) 

Our dear friends, the Thompsons arrived home from a year in Australia. All is right in the world again. To say that my girls were excited about their arrival would be the understatement of the year! Here are some photos of them getting ready to welcome home the Thompsons.

    I love Fridays because it means CSA.

   This girl received a bike seat for her doll, Bridget and now they ride around town like this. LOVE.

    Once and a while I remember that I live close to water and I feel the pull to drive my car down to the lake. There I breathe deeply, take a sigh of relief and remind myself that I'm not God and He is.

I went to a wedding and had the cutest date.

I love the structure of the school year with appointments and school and such, but there is something free and even necessary about breaking from all of that for the summer. It's good for my soul and yours to embrace each season.

Lastly I came across this recipe and they are amazing :)