I'm a fan of counselling. Steve and I are somewhat open about the fact that we have been to counselling from time to time over the years. Although she is not my counsellor, one of my dear friends is a family therapist. We're believers in dealing with our "stuff" and getting as healthy as we can. We believe that emotional and spiritual health is just as important as physical health.
A year ago, we found ourselves in our counsellor's office. Interestingly enough it was the day before my 40th birthday. We needed to get back on the same page and were finding ourselves to be slightly off kilter when it came to parenting and spending habits and we were in a bit of a rut when it came to resolving conflict. All of those things were talked about and sorted through. It felt good. Really good. Just as we were about to go, our counsellor said something that I was unprepared for. He told us that he sensed we lacked "safety" in our marriage and encouraged us to work toward building just that. I asked some clarifying questions about what exactly "safety" was and how we could build more of it into our relationship.
As the next few weeks unfolded, I began to see that he was right and perhaps for the first time ever, recognized the lack of it.
As 2013 began, it's not surprising that I chose one of my
words for the year to be
"safety"
Around the same time, I started reading a book by Brene Brown called
Daring Greatly:
How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live,
Love,
Parent,
and Lead. I began to see how I used shame in my marriage and although I didn't want to admit it, was in many ways was responsible for creating a culture of blame. I also realized that I needed to grow in vulnerability and that vulnerability means asking for what I need in my marriage and not expecting Steve to read my mind. Often my "yes was not yes and my no was not no" (Matthew 5:37). Yikes.
2013 has been a journey for us. We've learned so much.
Practically speaking here's what we've learned it means to have safety in our marriage:
* Assuming the absolute best of each other.
There is a
message by Andy Stanley that I 100% recommend. In it, he talks about when there is a gap between our expectations and reality, we have a choice to make. We can, in that moment choose to assume the best and give our spouse the benefit of the doubt or expect the worst. In his message, he believes that this is the secret formula to staying in love over a lifetime. I really can't say enough about this message. I've listened to it three times and every time, it hits me hard (in the best possible way).
* Put ourselves in each other's shoes as often as possible.
* Being slow to criticize and correct one another
* Choosing to trust.
* Letting our needs be known. Not allowing unmet needs build up. Not repressing our feelings. Remembering that we can not read each other's minds.
* Having fun together. Laughing together. This is huge.
* Thinking of us as a team, in terms of an "us".
* Speaking to and about one another in a positive and respectful way.
* Setting each other up to win and not to fail.
* Walking in the way of humility. Being willing to admit our mistakes and ask for forgiveness.
Sometimes it's also helpful to describe what safety is not because often it's hard to describe safety when so much of it is intangible. So, we're learning that safety is not:
* Criticizing.
* Controlling.
* "Always" and "never" comments.
* Blame and shame.
* Assuming the worst of each other.
* Speaking poorly to each other and about each other in public.
* Being defensive.
* Setting each other up to fail.
I'm not even sure how to write this and whether any of you can even relate, but here goes: the very moment I think of Steve in terms of being my enemy, I unconsciously treat him as such and as a result - set him up to fail. It's a crazy pattern that I have become aware of. A cycle that begins in my thought life. I am committed to breaking it. I'm committed to thinking differently because I want our best years to be ahead of us :)
I've also learned that it's when Steve is the hardest to love that he needs to receive love the most (I'm positive that he would say the same about me)....I've found the same to be true in
parenting as well....maybe in all relationships, really.
Our counsellor told us that when there is safely in a marriage relationship, both people can dream
bigger and take risks. How beautiful is that? We're finding that to be true.
I've learned too that when there is safety in our relationship, there is a freedom to admit mistakes, weaknesses, fears and struggles. There is opportunity to grow. Defenses come down. Real intimacy develops.
All of this has been quite a game changer in our marriage. 2013 has been a significant year for us.
These days, we are assuming the best of each other more and more. We're feeling safe to be vulnerable, talking about our fears, confessing our mistakes and asking for the help that we need. These days we're dreaming bigger and taking some pretty cool risks because that's what a safe environment provides. It launches just that. These days, we are
fighting for our marriage. As Brene Brown writes, "we are turning toward one another and not against one another" (page 101 - Daring Greatly).
Not to say that we don't struggle- we do - and we will - but we're learning that it will be okay. We're bouncing back from struggles and conflict way quicker that before.
We're in a sweet place and it feels amazing.
What have I missed?
If you're married, what does "safety" mean to you and how do you go about building it into your marriage?
*Also, can I just say that parenting a teen and a soon-to-be-teen is a challenging season in a marriage. There has never been a time where we have more needed to be a team and be unified. Safety is the glue that is holding us together as we cling to God and to each other.*
