Messy trunk.

I'm pretty radical about eliminating clutter. I find it super therapeutic. My family is often frustrated with me for throwing out things that they wanted to keep or for putting away their cups and mugs while they're still drinking from them.

These days I find that so much can happen in the course of a week. In just seven days, much can change. 

On Monday of last week, I found out that the engine on my car was doomed. By Wednesday evening we had picked out another vehicle and on Thursday my car just plain stopped running and had to be towed away.

Steve and our friend Chris woke up early on the morning of Good Friday and using a truck and trailer moved my vehicle from the parking lot to the car dealership. No small task, right? On the day my car broke down, I was living with the assumption that I had the long weekend to clean out my car. Seemed reasonable. What I didn't realize is that Steve and Chris would now have this task as they took the vehicle to the dealership on Friday morning. That was the last time they would see the car. In real time, what that meant was that they would spend a not insignificant amount of time cleaning the junk out of my car and out of my trunk. Last spring, I had placed bags of stuff from our house move into my trunk and had yet to remove them. Turns out my trunk is pretty big. And deep. Did I mention that we have been in our new house for quite some time now? Yikes. Embarrassing to say the least. I can only imagine that the last thing Steve and Chris wanted to be doing on the early morning hours of Good Friday is clean out my boots that needed a new zipper, picture frames, kids artwork, things that needed to be returned to Home Depot, journals, old letters (which included an acceptance letter to Brock University from 20 plus years ago....what the?). If that wasn't bad enough, they hadn't come prepared for such a task. They thought they were moving a vehicle and not a lifetime of stuff, which meant they had no boxes or garbage bags. They were throwing everything in whatever bag they could find only to discover once the trunk was cleaned out that the car keys had fallen into one of the makeshift bags which meant that everything had to be taken out and bags had to be taken apart in order for the keys to be found.

When Steve came home and shared with me this story, I got a lump in my throat and felt my eyes sting. I surprised even myself as I was overcome with shame and began to sob. I'm not entirely sure why but I felt so terrible and embarrassed.

My confession is that I'm a minimalist when it comes to many things and an absolute hoarder when it comes to my car. 

I like simplicity and spaciousness and pride myself on purging and eliminating clutter and yet and all these values fly out the window the second it comes to my vehicle.

I'm the kind of person who likes to appear on the outside like I'm doing okay and yet I have a car full of junk. Junk that I don't want anyone to see. On that Good Friday morning I felt exposed for who I really was.

The message of Good Friday is that the shame and the need to hide is taken care of at the cross of Jesus. It is finished. And the message of Easter Sunday is all grace. Grace triumphs and we can live as loved children in freedom and newness of life and without shame. Easter reminds us that God makes all things new. 

All things new.

It was not at all lost on me that my dead car was towed away on good Friday and that I picked up my new (to me) car on Easter Monday. 

This car to me is a fresh start. Literally and spiritually.

On that Friday morning I made the choice to bury shame and perfectionism and hiding to make room for new life to be born in me. In order for new life to grow, stuff needs to die. I needed to let go of the literal junk and the shame of being a car hoarder. I needed to surrender to love and grace.

This car is to me a gift and a symbol of a fresh start. Letting go of the old car and the trunk full of junk makes room for new experiences and a sense of spaciousness and living a little bit lighter and less weighed down.

The new car is invitation to walk (or drive - haha)  in freedom and grace.

Hers all the stuff that was in my old trunk and now on the floor of my garage waiting to be sorted out:

Here is my new car and my clean trunk:

Yay for new beginnings! So far my car is spotless and I'm hoping to keep it that way ;)

Favourite things. February edition. In photos.

Looking back on February, in no particular order, a few favourites came to mind:

1. Snow camp with my family on Family Day weekend. So much snow and sunshine and family time. Camp Crossroads in Muskoka is a magical place for us.

2. Fresh tulips spontaneously dropped off by a friend. Just because. Made my day and my month, really. 

3. Podcasts.

These days I am all about podcasts. They have become a weekly highlight for me. I literally wait for them on the days they are to be released! Two of my favourites right now are:

Serial, of course. I could go on and on about Serial. Season two is so interesting and I could listen to Sarah Koenig for hours. I just love her voice. Plus she's brilliant and captivating and I feel smarter and sharper just by listening to her. The storytelling in season two creative and fascinating. It's a true story told week by week (actually bi-weekly now). New episodes come out every second Thursday.

https://itunes.apple.com/ca/podcast/serial/id917918570?mt=2

Secondly, I am loving the Practice Podcast. It's all about learning the unforced rhythms of grace through contemplation and ancient spiritual practices. The journey through lent (specifically talking about lament) has been nothing short of transformative. Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. I can't say enough about this podcast. LOVE. I look forward to new episodes coming out every Tuesday.

https://itunes.apple.com/ca/podcast/the-practice-podcast/id983368875?mt=2

4. Syrian friends.

I wish I had a photo to go with this one. Unfortunately, I don't (yet). Our sponsor family is here from Syria and they are a gift. Just wow. 

5. My nephew, Simon arrived this month and he is pure delight. We are smitten. Plus, his big brother Jack is so funny and reminds me of my sister (his mom) at his age times a million. 

6. Right now, Steve and I have one show that's "our show" and it's called Nashville. Admittedly, it's a bit edgy - but we love country music and the story line has won us over.  If you watch the show Nashville then you can grasp the truth that meeting Deacon, hearing Deacon perform in concert and hugging Deacon was a massive bright spot in my month. My face still hurts from smiling so much. Oh and his name is actually Charles Eston. 

7. Buses were cancelled on the Tuesday after the Family Day weekend and we had a snow day! Sweet!

8. Vision talk. 

Vision day happens twice a year (September and February) at my church and each time it is a total highlight. I've never been prouder to be a leader and a participant in my church community than I am right now. We are on a beautiful and stretching "love beyond belief" journey. So much clarity and momentum wrapped up in this message by my friend Jeff Lockyer.

https://www.facebook.com/southridge/posts/10153960881154776

9. Hello goodbye.

My friend Becky introduced me to this show on CBC. It takes place at the Pearson International Airport. It airs on Friday nights at 8:30 p.m. or you can watch it anytime online (like I do). I've always adored airports. I love people watching at the airport in a way like no other. When I'm travelling, I often find myself wrapped up in the stories of people that I meet. I can't even stop myself from finding out people's life stories. Something about the airport and being on a plane compels me. This show reminds me that everyone has a story and that some of our most meaningful, most emotional and most excruciating moments take place at airports. I love this show and am basically kicking myself that I didn't think of creating it - ha. Have your Kleenex close by! 

10. Mars Bar Squares.

I love Mars bars and have basically waiting my whole life for a dessert that called for 4 actual Mars bars in the recipe. Here it is. It's divine, decant, easy to make and worth waiting for. It takes minutes to make and your people will thank you.

Mars bar squares:

4 Mars bars

1/2 cup butter

Melt for approximately 2 minutes.

Add 3 cups of Rice Krispies.

Mix in 9x9 pan.

Melt 1/4 cup butter with 1 cup of chocolate chips for approximately 2 minutes.

Stir and spread on top.

Enjoy!

11. My husband has been working around the clock to complete our basement project which includes a family room, bathroom and two bedrooms. We (well mostly he) are in the home stretch. It never ceases to amazes me what he can do.

Well, that's a wrap! My life feels exhausting, gritty, messy, full of hurt and heartbreak and uncertainty just like yours does. There's no escaping it, life is hard and beautiful. It seems that we can't have one without the other. The hard stuff makes the beauty dazzle all the more brightly. I'm not sure if my inconsistent once-and-a-while blogging is just for my own sake but here's the thing - sometimes I just need to take stock and remember the bright spots. I just need to savour the sweet stuff. Thanks for entering my world and letting me share. Hope you enjoyed your extra day in the month of February and happy March! We're one step closer to my favourite season - Spring - although  my kids are crossing their fingers for a snow day tomorrow!

Favourite week.

Christmas was busy and crazy and exhausting and now it's the week leading up to the new year is completely different. It's late nights and sleeping in. It's eating leftovers and Christmas cookies and too much chocolate. It's pjs and coffee and baileys before bed. It's watching movies and de-cluttering the house. It's taking down the tree and dreaming about the new year.

It's my favourite week of the year. 

It's also a time of reflection. What went well this year? What am I grateful for? What were some of the themes in my life over 2015? What do I want to bring with me into 2016 and what do I need to let go of and leave in 2015? What do I want to be different in 2016? What are my hopes and dreams and goals for 2016? Who are the people I need to surround myself in order to help shape 2016 - people who will sharpen me and shape me and make me better? What word or words sum up the kind of year I would love 2016 to be? What fears and discomforts do I want to lean into? It's a time to dream big dreams and pray new prayers.

I love these kind of questions. They energize me.

I think what I love most about a new year is the freshness of it all. A chance to begin again. A clean slate. An opportunity to write a new story, a new script. It's full of hope and possibility.

This week reminds me that life is a gift. I think of Mary Oliver's words, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” 

If you're into this kind of stuff like I am, here are some fun links you can check out.

My sister Lauren bought me a five year journal for my birthday earlier this month and I love it. It's a lovely cloth bound journal. Each page has five spaces for the same date over five years, so you can look back and read about what happened on that same date one year ago, two years ago and so on. You can write a few sentences about what you did that day, what you learned that day, what you're grateful for, a quote that spoke to you or whatever you want. http://www.amazon.ca/5-Year-Diary-Black-Cover/dp/0977648133/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1451415420&sr=8-1&keywords=five+year+diary

This cloth bound devotional book feels great to hold and its content reads like a breath of fresh air. It's about savouring life and beauty and family and frienships. It's about living abundantly. Shauna's writing reads like you're having coffee with an old friend. Did I mention that she includes recipes in the book? http://www.amazon.ca/Savor-Shauna-Niequist/dp/0310344972/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1451415478&sr=1-1&keywords=shauna+niequist

I like this 2016 printable that Ann Voskamp put on her blog:

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2015/12/this-is-the-year-when-new-year-resolutions-feel-hopeless-you-want-some-soulutions-free-printable/ 

Are you familiar with the idea of choosing a word for a new year? Or perhaps letting the word choose you? Ali Edwards explains that in greater detail here: http://aliedwards.com/projects/one-little-word

I'm leaning toward choosing spaciousness as my word for 2016. We'll see...:)

As always, I love Donald Miller's stuff. Check out this amazing PDF download for free: http://storylineblog.com/2015/12/30/start-life-over-reminder/?utm_campaign=coschedule&utm_source=facebook_page&utm_medium=Donald%20Miller&utm_content=Start%20Life%20Over,%20Reminder

Lastly, one of my New Years goals is to participate in this free class that Brene Brown is offering on trust. Check it out if you're interested:

://www.courageworks.com/shop/classes/the-anatomy-of-trust

Bring on the new year!

Christmas gratitude.

Here we are. It's December 24th. Christmas is most definitely upon us. 

It's the most wonderful time of the year and sometimes if we're honest, it's stressful and chaotic and emotional too - because life is beautiful and complex and messy all wrapped up with a bow. It's hard to tell where one begins and one ends. Right?

This morning, I took a moment to breathe a little deeper and jot down a few things I'm grateful for. Sometimes I need to just put pen to paper and remind myself of what's true. It does me a world of good.

Here's Eva reading on the front porch just an hour ago. In December. Wild. Hello 13 degrees.

Christmas baking from this past Monday. Hence the shortbread I was eating :)

When we took this family photo, our photographer suggested a spot up the hill from our home where the light was amazing at 6 pm on a Wednesday in October. She said, "let's go chase the light". That's just what we did and I love the photos because of the light streaming in.  Within moments of the photos being taken, darkness set in. It was a golden moment indeed.

Lately, that phrase, "let's go chase the light" has come back to me.

I thought of it again today as I read from Isaiah 9 (MSG):

The people who walked in darkness
    have seen a great light.
For those who lived in a land of deep shadows—
    light! sunbursts of light!

For a child has been born—for us!
    the gift of a son—for us!
He’ll take over
    the running of the world.
His names will be: Amazing Counselor,
    Strong God,
Eternal Father,
    Prince of Wholeness.
His ruling authority will grow,
    and there’ll be no limits to the wholeness he brings.

As I took a few moments of silence this morning, I said yes to the light. Yes to Jesus, the Christ Child and all that he wants to bring into my life. Yes to wholeness and peace. Yes to grace. My hands and heart are open.

But the angel said to them, ‘Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Saviour has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.Luke 2:10-11 (NIV)

Out of the blue, I remembered this morning that my Dad's all time favourite Christmas Carol is "Once in Royal David's City". For some reason it touched me and made me feel all childlike and nostalgic. In the spirit of isn't that what Christmas is all about? I'll share it here:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NMGMV-fujUY

Merry Christmas friends! May you swim in grace and rest in love. May you chase the light this holiday season xo

Advent.

Here we are in the season of advent. I'm  beyond thrilled with this advent wreath that Steve helped me make. It might just be my favourite gift this year.

I grew up in a faith tradition that celebrated advent. I admit that for so many years I never appreciated it and drifted from the meaning and the liturgy of it all.

In a full circle kind of way, I have found myself longing for and being drawn back to this simple, childlike and yet deep and meaningful ritual.

A few decades later, a little life experience and I totally get it.

Advent is waiting. 

Advent is all about the waiting and the unknown and the in-between. I get it. I live much of my life in this place, so it seems. You probably do too.

I'm not sure what you are waiting on this advent season. What we are waiting for is as individual and as complex as we are. Maybe it's a child to be born, a house to sell or a refugee family arriving from Syria. Maybe it's test results or the restoration of a relationship. We all long for healing and peace in our lives and in the parts of the world most torn up by war and afflicted by injustice. We all ache for wrong to be made right.

When I think about advent, I am reminded and take back to days when I was 9 months pregnant. I think about the waiting. The ache. The anticipation. The weariness. The discomfort. The sleepless nights. The not yet. The almost. The unknown.

Eight days ago our family of five lit the candle of hope. My teens kind of rolled their eyes as teens sometimes do.

As the day grew shorter and the night became darker, the candle burned brighter. Yesterday we lit the candle of peace.

I'm standing with all of you who are in the waiting today, because I too am in the waiting. In some parts of my life, I feel uncertain and uneasy. Not sure of what is next. Facing fear and anxiety head on.

I'm trusting in the message of Christmas. Trusting in the message of Emmanuel. That God is with us - in the waiting and in the darkness. In the not yet. In the unknown. 

This advent season, may we seek and find Emmanuel in the most unexpected places.

May we welcome Him in to the waiting, the unknown and the not-yet. May we find meaning in the mess and beauty rising up from the ashes. 

May we lean in and find Him in the darkness. In the mystery. In the unknown. In the unexpected places and ways that He loves to show up the most.

May His love and grace abound. May His light shine all the brighter in the darkest of nights.

O come O come Emmanuel.

Better together.

Two years ago my husband couldn't run.

Not at all.

Steve was determined to get in shape. So, he began by shuffling around our small 1 km block.

It was all about baby steps.

Little by little. Week by week. Month by month.

One of the first times he attempted a longer run (he decided to go uphill -whaaaat?) and he came back practically hyperventilating and it took him over an hour to began breathing properly.

The girls were like, "Is Dad okay?" "Should he be doing this?"

Even still, I watched him put on his running gear and get out there and pound the pavement week after week. 

It sure as heck wasn't overnight but all of a sudden, so it seemed, he became a runner.

That first winter he ran through was cold, icy and frigid. This past winter was the one we'll always remember as the polar vortex.

It all came down to commitment, grit and perseverance.

Before he knew it, he had lost 35 pounds and got into the best shape of his life. At 40. 

In his second year of running, our friend Tim who's also a runner joined up with him and told him, "if you can run 5 km, you can run 10 km".

Before he knew it, he was running 10 km alongside Tim.

When they got to 10 km, another friend Corbin joined them.

This time Tim said, "if you guys  can run 10 km, you can run a half marathon."

In what felt like no time, the three of them were training for and signed up for a half marathon. 

Wild.

The day of the half marathon came. It was September 27th and it was a beautiful fall day. 
Spectacular. Sunny. Bluest of skies.  Golden.  Crisp. 

The race was through the country roads at the bottom of the Niagara escarpment - roads were lined with corn fields and grape vines. A feast for all of the senses.

There were also two massive hills.

At  the 16 /17 km mark, Steve broke down. His knee was killing him. He didn't know if he could go on. The three of them started to walk.

It didn't take long until Steve told Corbin and Tim to keep going. He didn't want to hold them back. Tim and Corbin ran ahead and Steve slowly began to run, albeit it a ways behind them.

Then the unthinkable happened, Tim turned back.

Corbin's wife had been induced that morning (he was about to become a dad for the fourth time) and naturally he keep going. He needed to finish the race and get to his phone and see if there were any updates :)

Tim came back to Steve.  "We trained together and we'll finish together."

I saw Steve at the 16/17 km  mark and knew firsthand how much he was hurting and struggling. So when I saw him and Tim crossing the finish life stride in stride, I could have cried.

Finishing together. Isn't that true for all of life? We need each other, right?

Life is better together.

Better in teams. Friendship and community is what makes life rich and sweet and sometimes even bearable.

Those very words gave Steve the push and the confidence to finish what felt like impossible.

As I sat with my small group last week, I was reminded of this and thankful for honesty and safety in friendships and thankful that we don't have to do this life alone. We are made for connection. We are made to be known.

There is an African proverb which says, "If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go further, go together"

Here's the first time we saw them - around the 5 or 6 km mark.

The travelling cheering squad.

Coming across the finish line.

The three amigos:

So proud of this guy. Look at his smile - sign of pure contentment.

P.S. Corbin's wife Julia had a beautiful baby girl later that evening. The guys still had time to grab some pizza and wings and celebrate a bit. Quite a day for Corbin. It's not everyday that you run a half marathon and have a baby. Whoa.

A few of my favourite things (September edition).

I'm not the biggest fan of fall.

I hate pumpkin spice lattes. I can't bear the thought of packing up sandals and flip flops. I dread the idea of the days getting shorter. It's always hard for me to let go of summer.

However, the colours are spectacular, I am looking forward to getting my boots out and I have my eye on a poncho for fall (adorbs). Plus, there is something about the back-to-school-routine that is quite heavenly.

As September comes to a close, a few things have stood put to me as favourites.

So just for fun and because I'm on the lookout for beauty and goodness, here we go.
September favourites:

• my girls playing basketball and riding bikes on our dead end street.

• Getting settled into our new home. After the craziness of the build, I am loving being in our house and now I have become a total homebody and never want to leave! It's aura is bright and simple. It whispers to me of a fresh beginning. There's very little clutter (I'm hoping to keep it that way!). It's an invitation to simplify and surround myself with that which gives me joy. 

• My stove top coffee pot. It cost me $14.99 at Home Sense and now I make myself lattes every morning. So spoiled. I feel so European :)

• Birkenstocks. I know, I'm quite late to the game. I just got my first ever pair in May. Now there's no going back. LOVE. Here's a photo of Grace and I in NYC earlier this month. They were the only shoes we brought and we wore them non-stop. They were life savers. We walked everywhere!

• 

• Chat Books. If you're on Instagram, this is a free app that you download and it turns your Instagram photos into books. Each book contains 60 photos. Get this - each book is only $8 (which includes shipping). I love it because it's an instant photo album (and truthfully, I'm terrible at making photo albums and scrapbooking and all that). If you decide to subscribe, use this code and you get your first book for free: 69GLLPNK

• I've started using Norwex  enviro cloths to clean my bath tubs and shower and I'm in love. My sister-in-law Kristal is a distributor. Feel free to email her if you need anything: daveandkristal@gmail.com :)

• These pumpkin-nutella-cookie-bars are pretty much to die for. 

• These days, I'm loving my new kitchen. It's easy to find my way around, it's way less cluttered and I'm baking more than ever. My family is in shock and hoping it lasts. On Monday, my friend Sandra brought these pumpkin muffins to the library while our kids were in their after school program and they were amazing. I'm pretty sure that the sprinkled brown sugar on top is the secret touch. They're so easy to make too!    

 Pumpkin Muffins:

4 eggs
2 c. white sugar
1 1/2 c. oil
1 3/4 c. pumpkin
3 c. flour
1 tbsp. cinnamon
2 tsp. baking powder
2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
2 cups raisins or chocolate chips (I use chocolate chips - obviously!)

Beat eggs and sugar.  Add oil and pumpkin.  Beat thoroughly.  Add dry ingredients and mix until smooth.  Add in raisins or chocolate chips. Pour into muffin cups (2/3 full)
Sprinkle tops with brown sugar.  Bake at 375 for 15 min or until toothpick interested comes out clean.

• Lastly, this will come as no surprise - I am loving and savouring and my world is being rocked my Brene Brown's latest book Rising Strong. I'm only a third of the way into the book and already learning so much. 

How about you? What are your September favourites?

Welcome to New York (it's been waiting for you).

Seven years ago, my sisters and I (and Beth who was eleven months old at the time) surprised my Mom and flew her to NYC for a long weekend to celebrate her 60th birthday. I'm not kidding when I say that it was an epic trip. It was packed full of memory making material. My mom was flying high - ten feet off the ground - and she didn't stop smiling (or talking) the ENTIRE TRIP.

At that time, Grace was almost 9 and desperate to join us. Shamelessly begging us. In an off-the-cuff comment, back then in 2008, I casually said, "tell you what, when you're 16, I'll take you to NYC".

At the time, the thought of having a 16 year old daughter seemed like a million years away. Little did I know that those seven years would be here in a flash. 

Grace never forgot those words and as her 16th birthday approached this year, there was zero question that we were going. Of course we were.

To be frank, I wasn't overly anticipating this trip. We had just built a house and were just settling in after an exhausting season of life and in some ways financially it didn't really make sense to do this trip.

Regardless, it was a deliberate discipline of celebration. It was simply the following through of a promise.

I had no idea what I was in for.

I tried to build the weekend as much as possible around things that Grace would enjoy (hours and hours in Times Square) and things that were on her bucket list (Carlos bakery and the Brooklyn Bridge for starters). I tried to see New York through the eyes of a 16 year old and worked hard to remember what life felt like for me when I was her age. I saw myself in her so much and it wasn't long until Grace and I felt like peers and I began to remember just what 16 felt like.

I dropped any of my own personal agenda pretty quickly into our trip and decided instead to take on the posture of curiosity, which as an aside is a bit of a theme these days for me.

Curiosity. Inquiry. Less telling and more questions. More dialogue.

I realized that I hadn't spent intentional time alone with Grace for years.

I also realized that I can be hard on her and my expectations can be high.

I recalled how it was in fact Grace that made me a mom all of those years ago and how she changed my life and my story forever.

For those of you who have teens, there are times as a mom when your teen pushes you away and it stings so hard. Looking back, I think I have been fairly decent at giving Grace her space when she gives me the subtle and not so subtle hints and yet on this trip, I came to grips with the truth that while I gave her space, it was also necessary to fight for and pursue a relationship with her. In some ways, I had let her pull away without a fight. It was time for that to change.

I know my role has changed significantly in her life. These days I  can coach her but not control her. She is her own person. And that's a really beautiful and healthy thing.

As we walked through the streets of Manhattan - streets that smelled like a combination of street meat, exhaust fumes and Chanel Number 5 - I was savvy and insightful enough to know that I was going to love this memory. We both were. And we do already.

The trip changed me. It changed us.

I wouldn't have wanted to miss it for the world.

Here are a few fun photos.

Grace checked this one off her bucket list.

View from our hotel. I honestly can't say enough about the hotel we stayed at. Great location. Super clean. Reasonable and FUN and trendy (we felt like hipsters).

Grand Central Station.

I tried to play it cool (instead I acted like a geek) when I bumped into Kevin Bacon on 8th Avenue. I accidentally cut Grace and Kyra out of the photo. True story. Also, Grace had no idea who he was - clearly I have failed her as Mom. Time to introduce my girls to Footloose!

Biking through Central Park. LOVE.

Getting rained on as we biked in Central Park.

East River Ferry took us to the Brooklyn Bridge. Spectacular.

Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge. Wow.

More B.B. What a view!

We couldn't get enough of the street meat and the pastry shops around Manhattan.

We made sure to see Henri Matisse's work for Beth (who is a big fan).